“The story according to Mim”

DAVID WRITES:

“The story according to Mim” is hot off the press, written by Mim herself. I haven't even read it yet. I don't want to until it's posted as I want this to be genuine and unedited. Let's see what it says ...

MIM WRITES:

Bore da/Pnawn da/Noswaith dda (good morning/afternoon/evening) - I live in Wales, it’s allowed!

This is Mim speaking. First, a note to those who haven’t yet met me – Hi; you must be wondering what planet a girl going out with David comes from, well, Merseyside! Seriously, the reason I spent ages considering David’s invitation of going out, was ‘well how does that work if he’s gay?’ My conviction that I made the right decision increases weekly, not least at the TfT conference just gone.

This looks dead long, but I’ve got a bit of a gob on me, and it’s all worth hearing! Read on…

Here we were again, five weeks after he’d left me in Aberystwyth crying for literally hours. I was greeted at the train station with a box of ‘Milk Tray’ (see, he knows me well!) and it was all a little strange. We had to get used to actually seeing each other again, and it took a few hours. I was surprisingly calm about the conference ahead. I was about to meet a large number of David’s friends whom he’d known for years but hadn’t seen for almost as long. So there I am, standing on the side waiting to be introduced to them one after the other, whilst they hug. I haven’t got a problem with hugs, I’m a massive fan of them, it’s just a bit interesting when you know that both men embracing have the same homosexuality issues and you’re the girlfriend. You can understand that can’t you? Fine, it’s just me; well I thought it a LITTLE weird anyway! (Notice, “thought” is past tense, it doesn’t bother me now).

Confidentiality is a massive part of the organization and the conference of TfT, so I can’t divulge too specifically how it has helped me, but it really has. Yes I was going in quite sceptical, but I’ve come out looking forward to the next one. Through Bible expositions, small group discussions and personal testimonies I’ve been challenged by God as to how I view people with same sex attraction struggles. I thought I’d got David sorted, but being in the same room as another 100 was a new experience for me! We listened to God’s word together and worshiped together and yeah, it was awesome. Sharing experiences has prepared me for the worst and excited me about the best that can happen in a relationship like mine and David’s. Very cool.

Another thing I was unprepared for was the humour. I’ve always been on my guard when someone cracks a gay joke, but they were rolling them off by the half-hour at the weekend, and I don’t really care if you think I’m inappropriate here, but I’ve started thinking of my own! Having accepted that homosexuality is likely to be a constant battle, you’ve got to accept that shying away from it is pointless, and having a laugh about it is harmless. And I only learnt that this weekend. Obviously, there’s a time and a place, but if you didn’t laugh you’d cry. And I’ve done my fair share of crying about it already!

The third thing I wasn’t ready for was meeting a group of lesbians (or whatever the collective noun for such is – maybe like lions, you can have a pride of gays and lesbians. Get it? (– see what I mean?!)) Anyway, yeah, I was already trying to work out as I met people if they were straight or gay (David managed to bite his tongue and not introduce people to me by name AND orientation!), but I also had the added concern that if they were a woman they might fancy me! Well, David told me after the weekend, that one lady had said to him that it was quite obvious I wasn’t a lesbian. So that’s done wonders for my self-image. Magnificent! I’ve also learnt that I had no basis to make that judgment on. I was no more likely to be fancied by a woman than I am to fancy every man I meet.

I keep saying this, but if it wasn’t for God’s peace and blessing on us as a couple, this whole thing would be impossible for me to cope with. You’ll know, either from living with David or reading this blog, that sometimes stuff happens which the average girlfriend wouldn’t need to deal with. I’m not superwoman, but I am coping in God’s strength. And I would not be in this if it wasn’t worth it. As we reach 15 weeks, we’re understanding each other more and more, and I’m understanding what it is to be blessed, more and more.

This weekend was based on the book of James. These verses sum up how I feel right now:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance … Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” (James 1:2-3 and 12)

Yours faithfully, and sorry for the waffle,

The girl who’s more than secure wearing the label, ‘David’s girlfriend’, Mim x

PS. Bearing in mind we’ve each been labelled “cultural desert” by a mutual friend, guess whose team beat the other’s in the Saturday night quiz by 4 points?

PPS. I’m so competitive I wouldn’t be mentioning it if I’d lost!!

Though there's pain in the offering, BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!

Well, despite sin at it’s darkest, being a damp festering bog of denial and shame…I firmly believe that a victory – however gory the battle may have been – should be shared. To that extent, the following description of the new depth to which I’ve stooped may shock you, but it’s me and my story of God’s ultimate victory and therefore, it must be shared.

I have just spoken to Mim and said that I didn’t want the fact I now had a girlfriend to colour or sway what I wrote/confessed about online. But for those of you that live in Aber and may be shocked by this, please tread carefully in how you talk about this to Mim and be aware of how difficult this has been for her.

Those that have followed my blog from the year "dot" will know that in October/November 2005 and then again in February 2006, I fell short in an unusual yet dangerous way by talking to a Male Escort (Mr X for the sake of argument) online and over the phone.

A viscous circle of invent a name…gain trust, get talking, do dodgy things together (albeit from a distance…we have in fact never met), come clean, own up to being a Christian going by the name of David, apologise and delete contact…or like last time…create a new e-mail address.

It has been VERY tempting for me to get back in touch with Mr X for many months, but I never succumbed…until last Sunday. Wham, before I knew it, a new e-mail address, story and personality was created and I had sent an e-mail to Mr X (his address being VERY easy to remember and way too difficult to forget). Out of guilt, I closed the account.

I felt terribly guilty, and couldn’t rationalise the hurt I was going to cause Mim if we remained together, so on Monday, I made up my mind to end the relationship, if only to protect her young heart from further damage. Fortunately, God really used a climbing wall ("A HANDBAG?"… "A CLIMBING WALL?") to speak to me. What I mean is, I was so depressed and all ready to end it, when I went for a climbing session with my Team at the Beacon as a Team-building exercise that I’d dreamed up but definitely regretted as I entered the room and contemplated the task set before us.

Anyway, it released so many endorphins and I felt such a sense of achievement that I’d managed to get to the top, that I soon forgot my woes and was able to ring Mim and have a reasonable conversation, albeit one that included a confession about trying to get back in touch with Mr X. Unfortunately…I couldn’t resist and I went back online and activated my account later that evening. I e-mailed (knowing that a closed account would have bounced back any e-mails he might have sent) back and said I’d been having trouble with my hotmail account, had he received my last e-mail.

By Tuesday morning, there was a reply from Mr X…I’d not heard from him in months…a rush of excitement surged down my spine as I clicked reply. I told him that I would be online from 9.00pm onwards.

No Mr X at 9.00pm…so I logged into a gay chat room…not much luck for about an hour…finally found a willing chatter. Got "talking" to him for about 2.5 hours before Mr X finally showed up online. Within seconds Mr X was sending me (though he didn’t know it was me) certain pictures of himself, it turns out that since I last saw Mr X he’d become a porn star. Not just a gay man’s fantasy or some boast he blagged about, but genuinely copyrighted pictures of himself were sent, and though I shouldn’t, I knew the "reputable" adult film company…so he was telling the truth.

Anyway to cut a long story short after that "conversation" I came clean to Mr X using my real e-mail address and told him it was really that crazy Christian guy all along…YET AGAIN.

Obviously today, when I e-mailed Mim the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth it was obvious to her that we should no longer go out…I thought to myself that irrespective of whether she’s prepared to knowingly have her heart broken by me…I’m not, on her behalf. I was going to end this for her sake.

Well…God had other plans! I had signed up for this 48 hour prayer thingy and my slot was 7.30pm! I begrudgingly hauled ass up to the chapel (where there were lots of reflective and contemplative prayer stations set up) with my Bible in one hand…and sat down in an armchair. What Mim was later to refer to as "The Granddad’s Prayer station". I knew I couldn’t intercede for other causes while my own life was so desperate.

God cleansed me in a profound way using the passage I read at the time of my conversion, that of Psalm 51. I went back down to the Octagonal Lounge enthused and reinvigorated with sense of purpose, I joined in with the evening’s activity and then sought out my friend Lucia and poured out my soul to her. Confessing in all detail the depth of my sin … knowing I needed to acknowledge it in all it’s fullness before I could properly move on.

Her counsel was wise and timely, she reminded me that what I feed my mind/soul is what will grow and if I eat spiritual junk food then I will become spiritually unfit. And if one is unfit we all know too well what kind of illnesses can creep in … and, so too, with the spiritual life. She prayed intensely for me, and many more layers of this seemingly endless onion (which is my baggage) were peeled off tonight.

In our weaknesses, God truly is strong. And the in-depth conversation and prayere Mim and I had tonight was, without a doubt, the closest we’ve been with each other since we last saw each other in-the-flesh.

"There’s only one order…WE HOLD!" Tonight…a victory has been won. Though my fortress was overrun, when I myself chose to open the main gates and let the enemy in … Jesus has swept through the battlements and courtyard, vanquished the enemy and re-sealed the gates. Now he’s helping me to repair the inside. And to that I say: "Thank you Lord Amen … I am still yours … I love you!"

Thesis on Aberystwyth visit

Well all, I guess that inevitable “update on my time in Aberystwyth” is now here…drum roll please. I will endeavour to word the following with clarity and good spelling since I have reason to believe there may well be a new “Aber following” reading this webpage.

Well, when I left Lee Abbey on Friday 13th…bad luck? “We don’t believe in luck” it had been the worst working day in my life, not simply my time at Lee Abbey, but in any job I’ve been in so far…it was truly awful which started with a bang on the head at 7.10am and finished with a complaint from a guest who should have known better…I very nearly laid her out and would have happily quit I felt so low. I also received quite an upsetting e-mail which meant all in all, my frame of mind was somewhat chaotic when I left for Cardiff.

Friday:

When I arrived at my friend’s house, it was SO great to see him and we had many good conversations before he left to go out and I got ready for bed. The next morning I was greeted with a cooked breakfast and it wasn’t long before I was setting off for Aberystwyth. Unbeknown to me, I had missed one turn-off when copying an RAC directions guide and it threw my route out completely. It wasn’t until I turned on my Sat Nav that I realised I’d been travelling in the wrong direction for about 10 miles. That little sojourn was to delay me for about an hour, but the thought of seeing my Mim again spurred me on towards the finish line. Not to mention the absolutely stunning Welsh countryside was sun-lit in all its glory.

Saturday:

I finally docked at 12:45pm and managed to park in a car park at the end of Greenfield Street (Mim’s road). I rang her to let her know I was here and as I was talking to her on her mobile I heard her leave her house via the

front door. Within seconds our conversation on the phone ended as she walked around the corner and our eyes met for the first time in about 7.5 weeks. It was GREAT to see her again and as we embraced, any stress and

concern from the journey just fell from me as I realised afresh why I had come all this way; to see the woman I love!

Within minutes I was settled in, had set up base camp and was able to give her the long awaited dress. Soon afterwards I was eating some wonderful nosh and a little while later I was touring the infamous Somerfield’s. On the way we met Josh (Mim’s friend and the fiancé to Mim’s housemate Rachel) who commented on the exciting inventory pit stop of “Somerfield’s”. It was quite a novelty to go shopping together but as this “dinner party” I’d heard so much about approached, I was felling increasingly ill.

But the “dinner party” was a success, and I met Mim’s housemates Layla, Rachel and Karen, Josh again, Alun and Colin, Beth and Freddie. These are absolutely wonderful people and all of whom I could imagine myself having got on well with and made close friendships with if I’d have been at university in the same place at the same time. As it happens, they’re Mim’s friends, which means I’ve inherited them and so hopefully, will be able to keep in touch with them.

Sunday:

On Sunday I got to sample Mim’s church of St Mike’s. A wonderful blend of modern and classic worship styles, all of which was carried out tastefully and professionally. It was then that I got to see Chris again which was also nice.

We had lunch with Sam & Poppy (Sam being Tim Wakeling’s brother…remember; the “all rights reserved” chap who founded this prestigious website?) which included a chance to meet Dave and Tim replete with an introduction to Dave's Mice...which as I recall, later pooed on Poppy's hand.

Later Mim and I were joined by Sam & Poppy for a nice stroll along “the Prom”, Mim then left us to go for her music rehearsal for the evening service. I was then invited for “afternoon tea” (apparently there are others out there who still practice this ancient tradition). Freddie was my host and what a wonderful Host he was. He barely sat down for the whole time since he was more concerned about everyone else’s well-being. There I saw Alun, Colin and Beth again as well as some other folks whose names I have heard on many occasions. Later, Mim commented on how amazing it was to meet a group of friends one day, and be left in their company the next …that’s the body of Christ for ya!

After the evening service I was taken to “the lounge” or something? Anyway, 'twaz a chance for all the students in St Mike’s to consume yet more food. After this, I went for a walk with Chris and we toured the Castle ruins before finding a nice bench to plonk ourselves on. It was great (and necessary) for us to catch up.

Monday:

Monday was quite a lazy day for me in the morning, though in the evening I accompanied Mim to her “hall group”, apart from seeing Mim in her element, I got to see where she spent her first year at uni…the very room! However the words: “I thought you had to be convicted of a crime to live somewhere like this” from the film “The Prince & Me” kept rolling around in my head. This was also a chance to meet Mim’s partner in crime – Edem. After this I went off with Mim to Freddie’s house to watch The Last Night of the Proms” video which Alun had recorded. This was because he and Mim, Colin, Freddie, Reuben etc had all gone to see it in Hyde Park. Initially I had gone for a walk because this week was dragging up certain issues for me and I was rather reluctant to be “social” that evening particularly since it was watching a video about an event I had nothing to do with. But in the presence of such great Christian company, I was soon pulled around and had a great evening.

Tuesday:

I think I had another lazyish day on Tuesday, but whilst Mim had her cell group in the evening…I was put in the care of Chris. Which meant I finally got to see where he lived, not to mention, Kev, Reuben, Jase, Mark, Dave, and someone else (I’m not doing too badly with these names). He cooked for me and I started their washing up as the gargantuan level of dirty crockery in their lounge was enough to force any House Team leader to act. We later watched X-Men III, the latter half of which Mim returned to watch with us. Mim and I then went off and grabbed some chips (Mim was fairly hungry and I never say no to chips) and we went off for the infamous “kicking the bar” walk. This is an ancient tradition in Aber whereby one walks to the end of the seafront and kicks the railing, before walking to the other end of the seafront to repeat the exercise. This was a starlit night and one of the highlights of the week for me. It ended in a “Dawson’s Creek”-like moment on the quayside. Even commenting on this fact only momentarily brought me back to planet earth. It was the most romantic experience of my entire life. How can one not get caught up the euphoric wondering of what the future holds at times such as this?

Wednesday:

Oh yes … Wednesday … I remember. This was the day that I was requested to “hike” (is the only word I can use for it) to the top of Constitution Hill with my darling. I had prepared a packed lunch for us both (a family chore which I don’t recall ever doing for someone else before) and kinda hoped it would be too late to go on this walk because Mim had a prayer meeting she wanted to go to. So off we went, well … how steep? I was huffing and puffing all the way and I think my little darling did VERY well not to ditch me after all of my childlike whining and moaning! The view at the top however, was well worth the wait. Why are there never any trustworthy-looking folk around to take a picture for you at such times? I did however convince Mim to take the train back down the hill (not that she needed much convincing of course). She went off to her prayer meeting and I got on with some postcards.

In the evening, we joined Sam & Poppy again for another round of fish and chips. Then we had hoped to go to a nice pub to listen to some folk music but it was chockablock. So the girls in their infinite wisdom decided we should bail…AMEN I thought to myself. So we went for a nice prom-walk instead. A sort of half kicking the bar type walk. Interestingly, it was rather humorous to watch bar-kickers at work.

Thursday:

Thursday was a day in the life of a taxi driver…as Mim received the blessing of what it might be like to own a car…and her half an hour hike to campus was reduced to a five minute drive some 3 or 4 times for me I might add. She had Brownies in the evening so I got to see her in her uniform nudge nudge wink wink lol. Anyway, we then went out for our meal out at an Italian restaurant, dressing up for the occasion. It was nice to do the stroll there and the stroll back, and for Mim, to finally discover what the inside was like to the couply restaurant she’d heard so much about for so long.

Friday:

I recall Friday being another lazy day by and large but I know that the evening was the CU meeting which was very informative and very enjoyable. Whilst I can imagine it being quite tiring to juggle the denominational differences and preferences of so many Christians, I can also imagine it to be a very rewarding place to meet fellow believers to be recharged and encouraged to fight the good fight. Not to mention listen to interesting and varied Bible scholars. Again, another fab opportunity to meet more of Mim’s friends. I should point out at this time however that due to lots of driving in the rain (and thus needing sidelights) on the Thursday, I had neglected to notice that my car lights had been left on. Thus when I came to offer Mim and Rachel a lift to CU on the Friday (it being imperative that Rachel got there on time given the fact that she is the CU secretary), my car had a COMPLETELY flat battery. My Gladys!!!!! That’s never happened before. It was highly embarrassing, though fortunately, we were with Wonder Woman who frog-marched us to the taxi pick-up point outside the train station without further ado. And so we got there only a few minutes later than we otherwise would have done.

On the way back from the CU, I was pleased to be walking, as it meant I got to talk to Mim’s friends again. Freddie and I were deep in conversation when it was decided that we should all go to “Fresh Ground”, a small Christian café for a late night natter over a coffee etc. Mim and I settled in (I tucked into a smoked salmon bagel with cream cheese) and waited for the others (who had to go to Ruben’s first) but to no avail. It turned out, they’d got delayed, and by the time they arrived, the shop door had been locked. So after a few failed attempts at ringing their mobiles, we gambled that they might have retired to Freddie’s house and so tried their door…good guess! And so ensued an awesome heart-to-heart between all present sharing testimonies of how we came to Christ etc. Next to the "Dawson’s Creek quay moment," this was the highlight of the week for me.

Saturday:

This day brought the interesting yet exciting challenge of “jump-starting” my car. We had cobbled Alun at the previous night’s CU meeting to come round and help me. He was happy to oblige and even had brand, spanking new jump-leads. Neither of us knew exactly what we were doing (which made it all the more fun) but we had a rough idea. And within minutes, Gladys’ heart was revived. On parting I gave Alun a decent blokey hug (something which I don’t think lads are into at Aber, or anywhere in the UK outside of Lee Abbey) but it was from the heart. He’s a really nice guy, one of several friends I hope to keep in touch with since visiting the lovely Welsh town of Aberwristwatch.

I can’t remember the details of which day Mim surprised me with a cup of tea to wake me up gently, or what day we had what meal on…all I know is that my girl spoiled me rotten and became the domestic goddess for the week. I was looked after exceedingly well by her and her friends and I have nothing but fond memories of that week.

Update

Well hello there everybody.

Just want to say that Mim and I are still together. Let that read as triumphant coz it is! I know that a lot of people thought that when a girl was finally daft enough to go out with David Beniston…that it would only last a few days well…here we are almost 6 weeks later and counting.

Don't get me wrong, it has NOT been plain sailing, I am certainly NOT an easy man to be friends with much less go out with and Mim has put up with a LOT and had to forgive a LOT. We were both given a word from 1 Corinthians 13 at the start of our relationship, the "Love keeps no record of wrong" and we've certainly had to live that one out, but God has been so great throughout it all and He has certainly been our sustainer. PLEASE DO PRAY FOR US at this formative time of our relationship. Though coping, we are both finding the long-distance really tough now and are counting down the days until we see each other again on Saturday 14th October.

I've been very blessed over the last few weeks in terms of accommodation as the Warden has let me stay in his house while he's been away on holiday. The space and freedom was just what the doctor ordered and my piano playing has certainly benefited from having a grand piano (panic not, it belongs to Lee Abbey, the Warden is not THAT highly pain!!!!) to practice on at a moment's notice. I wish I'd have had more time to enjoy it though, but with a 6.30am start and some late finishes, I guess at times it's just been "a bed" like anywhere else. Also at times, I felt under pressure (my own of course) to spend all of my spare time there e.g. not wanting to waste this gift for a single second and as always has been the case, David just does NOT do well on his own for extended periods of time.

I'm still plodding my way through in-depth prayer ministry and though intermittent, I know it's doing me the world of good. It is costly however and utilises and enormous amount of emotional energy. Please pray for me as I attempt to find a time for the next session and that I really do get through what I need to deal with, it's all big stuff but I know it needs to be done.

I hope that this newfound relationship doesn't put any of my gay friends off me, Christian and non-Christian alike who are still single. I'm still David and struggle with largely the same areas of my life I struggled with before. While I'm confident that Mim is "the one" for me and someone who will add to my ministry and all that God has planned for me (and vice-versa I'd like to think), it doesn't mean I've found "a cure" and don't need to be VERY careful with who I see, where I see them and how much time I spend with them. I covet your prayers for this also.

I hope all is well with you in your respective necks of the woods, please do drop me a line or ten when you get a spare 5 minutes…it's always very much appreciated.

Loads of love

David

P.S. Mim has agreed to come to the TfT conference so hopefully many of you will meet her there. And for my Leicestershire fans, Mim is hoping to join the Beniston clan in between Christmas and New Year for a few days…hey did you notice that? David is actually HOME for Christmas for a change!!!!! Well deck the floor with bows of holly and call me Charlie!

David's found lurrrrrrrv...and THIS time, it's reciprocated!

Dear All

Well, there is a big piece of exciting news before I fill you in on the rest of what’s been happening!

I now have a girlfriend! I hope that for those of you who know me really well this will equally exciting for you as it is for me! Her name is Miriam but everyone refers to her as Mim. She is 20 years old and about to embark on her third and final year at Aberystwyth University in Information & Librarian Studies. After this, she hopes to stick around Aber for a while as she has a great church and good network of support.

Mim first came to community as a summer worker in 2004 about 3 weeks after I did. She also came back last year as a summer worker and again this year (so unfortunately she’s leaving Lee Abbey on Monday!). I’ve probably asked her out at least once every year...but the important thing is...we’ve known each other for over two years and have a great friendship to base our relationship on.

We actually fell in love (well I did at least) during being on Host Team this year. I was leading it and although Mim wasn’t my co-leader, she really did hold the week together as far as I was concerned. It was my third “Roger Jones week” and this year it was Jail BREAK, but more about that in a mo.

It wasn’t a decision we rushed into and actually, it took 10 days for us to make that all-important decision as we both wanted to absolutely sure it was God’s will for us. We also wanted to be “by-the-book” as far as our developing relationship was conducted in publics and so we both “tired” (Mim more successfully than I) to not tell anyone about what “might” happen until we knew for sure and as soon as we did know, we booked an appointment to see the Warden (standard procedure for community relations at lee Abbey).

Anyway, so that’s the biggie. My family seem to be rather happy for me if a little shocked at first, but we’re not rushing into anything and we’re going to take it one day at a time especially given the fact that she lives 8 hours drive/train-drive away from Lee Abbey.

Anyways…The Roger Jones Houseparty went as well as can be expected but I did find the whole leading of it rather stressful. It was a relentless 8-day marathon and all in all most days worked out as an 8.00am start with a 12.00am finish! Despite my vowing not to audition for any solo parts this year (given the fact I had other things I needed to concentrate on) I ended up singing in at least 3 songs. Even though I had an increasingly soar throat throughout the week, I’m assured it went rather well and Roger and the CMM team were MORE than encouraging about my “performance” for want of a better word.

It was also great to catch up with Sally (Roger’s daughter who used to live on community and be a part of our Youth & Children’s Team) as well as other friends I have made from being on previous Roger Jones weeks. All in all an affirming if not challenging experience which I sure God will use in the future.

I should probably end it there before I waffle on any more.

Love to you all - Davio

Oh Happy Day....oh happy daaaaaaay

Hi Everyone,

I have been asked to not write a “depressing post” again. Well, good news…I hope this will be a cheery read!

Yesterday was the last day of an 8-day Host Team. It has flown by but has not been plain sailing. I had an absolutely excellent team – the friendships which I thought would be strained by the amount of time we would spend together actually seem even closer & deeper than they were before!

The week was of course “Jail Break” a Roger Jones musical which he presented and led with the help of his team. Whenever these wonderful people return to Lee Abbey, it’s always a joy and a privilege for me to work alongside them and they really are like friends to me.

Since I was leading the week (and my co-leader had only ever been on one Host Team before) I vowed I would not audition for any solo parts and might consider joining in with the choir if I had chance…well that lasted all of 5 minutes. My team encouraged me to audition and it clearly meant a lot to Roger that I did so…I did. I got a solo in 3 different songs (most of you will know that Roger Jones’ week “David” was my first Host Team, and that I rejoined the crew for last year’s musical “Angel Voices”) it seems like I sing more and more each year!

In the end, my very soar throat just about managed to pull off what was needed from me, but I resigned myself to the fact that it was for God’s glory, so whether or not I was happy with my “performance” was irrelevant, since for me it was an act of worship. Anyway, I’m told it went well, so I will graciously take onboard people’s comments and not always see the negative in what I do…or at least, I will try!!!!!

Singing in front of many people (not least those with whom I live and work and can’t escape from) was however the least of my worries this week. Trying to balance the expectations of some disappointed guests juxtaposed to what the guest speakers were expecting, alongside trying not to ask too much of community too often; proved one of the most difficult juggling acts I’ve tried to do during my time at Lee Abbey. In fact, mid-way through the week, I really did feel that whatever I said or decided to do really did offend at least one person. My team rallied me on though and some of our prayer sessions were unforgettable.

This will definitely be a week to remember for many reasons, not least since I’ve been asked by CMM (Christian Music Ministries) to consider keeping in touch with them for other singing opportunities in the future. Certainly auditioning as an understudy is something that seemed to be laid on my heart as the week went on.

This of course must be kept in perspective and set alongside the fact I’ve just heard back from the man I wrote to at London School of Theology. He seemed extremely encouraging not least in that he said that in many spheres, an NVQ 3 (albeit in hairdressing) is often considered to be the equivalent of an A-Level!!!!). Quite simply though, it was suggested that I try and arrange a day where I can have an “informal interview” and a good look around the place. Given the shear cost of being educated there, I’m leaning heavily towards the idea of just enrolling for a one-year course and seeing how I get on. All in all though, this is simply another step towards the door, whilst it may have opened a little, I still need to fully explore it before I can make any firm decisions!

Whilst returning to Lee Abbey’s severely altered leadership structure (what with so many of our key folks having left), I was worried I wouldn’t be able to carry on in my current role…but it seems everyone has pulled together and God has prompted several shifts in the way our leadership structure works. Holes seem to have been plugged permanently and things are looking hopeful. I will try and make sure that my former Centre Manager’s way or doing things and his standards are not lost simply because he isn’t here to check up on me!

All in all I feel God is continuing to draw out different gifts and passions that I have, I can get gloomy and downcast (as only David Beniston can) when I think I have too many choices, desires and directions and I wish I had a more concrete idea of which one to pursue, but I know that for now at least, I’m being used in God’s Kingdom, and times such as these are never wasted. Living on a Christian community is likely to be something that many people will never get the chance to do, and something that I may never be able to do again. So really, what can I feel except that it’s a privilege to be where I am!

Friendships seem to be good at the moment, both in and outside of Lee Abbey. Since driving home at least twice now, I’m increasingly confident in Gladys and her ability to carry me to all corners of the UK so if all goes well, I might be able to visit a few more of my other friends.

Please feel free to write, or e-mail, I’m much better at returning correspondence than starting it!

With lots of love to you all

Bye for now.

First came "arrow prayers", now comes an "arrow post"

Well, it seems like ages since I last wrote…and indeed…IT IS AGES! It’s my 23rd Birthday in 5 minutes, so I guess by the time I finish writing this to you, I will be 23.

I’m really NOT one for Birthdays. I always find they’re more about trying to make sure OTHER people feel like they’ve helped you to have a nice birthday when actually, I would just rather everyone forgot and left me alone. I’ve no idea why that is and I don’t want to sound depressing, it’s really just me I guess.

Anyway it’s been a good two weeks. The usual trips and falls in all the predictable areas of life…yet somehow necessary in my understanding of how my life is going to be and what areas need to be monitored carefully.
Have completed my CV and covering letter which I hope is the first stage in my “trying the door” of London School of Theology. Have also made some MAMOUTH curtains for my parents’ bedroom on my new sewing machine (a collective birthday present from friends and family). It was a fun project, but a LONG one!
I’ve had several much larger near misses though and continue to be grateful to God for his provision of exits in each of these situations.

Anyway, tiz off to Taunton on Sunday to see a close friend of mine, before returning fully to Lee Abbey on Monday. I hope to be able to settle in quickly and re-compose myself for the task ahead, predominantly that of leading the Roger Jones Host Team which starts on Saturday 5th!

I covet your prayers for this and my life at lee Abbey in general, I guess I’m quite tired by it all now and need strength to complete the remainder of my contract.

Thank you all for your support…I miss you all and love you very much!

FINALLY...an update from me!

Hello all, apologies to you for not writing sooner…it’s certainly been non-stop action here in sunny/rainy (mostly rainy) Devon!

Unfortunately on April 7th my grandfather passed away. Everyone rallied round me at Lee Abbey and I was able to get a week's worth of compassionate leave which was much appreciated. Considering I was supposed to be leading a Host Team, this was no small amount of support! Despite the reason for my return, I had a great time with my family and it was great seeing them again considering I’d not seen them since November. The funeral was set for 19th April and was well attended, I think I can pretty much speak for all who loved Jack Beniston when I say we all sensed God’s guiding hand through that day and gained a certain amount of comfort knowing that he was finally at rest after so many years of decreasing independence and quality of life. He has left a big hole in my life however, in ways I’m only just beginning to discover – but I’m very grateful for the prayers me and my family received at that time!

Several other people at Lee Abbey have also lost a grandparent in the last few weeks, but I never once presumed to know what they were going through as our relationships are as unique as we ourselves…VERY! Unfortunately, Rob Lacey (the author of The Street Bible/Word On The Street) also passed away. I only really heard about it through friends who knew him closely. I believe he just got to meet his newborn baby daughter before finally loosing a battle with cancer which I believe he has been fighting for a few years now.

Anyway, on a lighter note…Anna Maria Beniston was born on May 1st weighing an impressive 8lb 9.5oz and I cannot tell you how excited I am about seeing her next week. When Jack was born I saw him within a few hours of his birth, this time it will have been about 4 weeks!!!!! I’m even more excited about it all as I’ve been asked to be her Godfather. May will be a very expensive month as I now have about 4 or 5 family birthdays to contend with (one of those being dad’s 50th Birthday!).

This coming weekend (tomorrow in fact!!!) Lee Abbey celebrates its 60th anniversary. It’s a colossal occasion, one which I’m very privileged to be a part of but think I won’t fully appreciated until AFTER it has passed. We have had HUGE marquee erected on the North Lawn at no small cost, the grand piano is being dismantled and erected in said marquee and the A.V. guy that’s coming is the same person who does the sound for Spring Harvest! We have a huge hotel booked out in Lynton; the Beacon is full as is all of our self-catering units…suffice to say we have a VERY large amount of people on site this weekend. I’m guessing this type of “event planning” is all good experience for me and no doubt God will surprise me with when and where these skills will be used in the future.

All in all though, I’m pretty lonely at the moment. It’s really easy for me to forget that, being kept so busy all the time, but truth be told I am lonely. Not in the sense that I haven’t got good friends (in fact I’m writing this from Jeremy and Catherine’s house), but I long for intimate male friendships, the sort that most would frown on simply because they don’t understand the nature of my issue. I’m also torn theologically…not between is gay sex wrong bla bla bla, I firmly believe it’s not what God wants for me, but I mean torn between what’s “MY” view on “healing” and what’s my employer’s view on healing. You could argue it’s no one else’s business and my life shouldn’t be about ticking boxes and pleasing other people…but how can it NOT matter to me what other people think about me? My friends and colleagues…anyway…the Warden has given me permission to yet again miss the Lee Abbey Movement weekend in order that I attend the annual TfT conference…and for now, this brings me great comfort…I miss my TfT mates!

The Lord is at work in my life though, I just need to slow down and hear his voice more! I’m not freaked out by “receiving a picture” when I’m praying for someone and the very phrase: “shall we pray about it?” is so entrenched into my way of life now that open, frank Christian debate and prayer will hopefully be one of the biggest skills I take with me when I leave Lee Abbey. For the record, my contract ends on the May 3rd 2007 and I have absolutely no intention of extending as of yet. I still very much hope to go to London School of Theology and have had some significant confirmations from God on that front. The application pack has been sitting in my “quarters” for about a month now and quite simply, it’s just finding the time to fill it out. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day.

On That note my team have been so over-worked of late that grown men were reduced to tears. I was able to stand back, smile and think to myself: “I’ve been there!” without getting so disheartened myself. The main reason for this extra work has been sheer lack of numbers on my team as a direct result with the government almost banning voluntary VISAs. But this seems to be being rectified now and only last week I was able to welcome Sukman (from Nepal) onto House Team.

There are a great many changes occurring at lee Abbey for me as many of my friends (most of whom in exceptionally key positions at Lee Abbey) have moved on or are moving on. Grace, my pastoral Link has gone to pastor a church in Taunton. My Centre Manager and his family are about to go and pastor a Baptist church in Minehead, the head Chaplain is about to go and pastor a church in Bristol, my Best friend Emily has reduce her contract and is getting out of here in a few months….these are trying times and it will certainly limit my ports of call as far as making BIG decisions go…I must be careful that my addiction to spending money I don’t have doesn’t spread into my work life too!

Community life continues to be a mix of sheer hell through to abundant blessing; these times are trying me and stretching me beyond what I could have dreamed but at a high cost. I’m excited by the rate of change but also know that I am now spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted and very much looking forward to my leaving date next year…which I know will come around a LOT faster than I imagine.

Well, that’s all from me for this time, save to say I’m being picked up by dad on Monday A.S.A.P. after this manic weekend finishes. Then on Tuesday my uncle is getting married in Whitney…hmm, motorways………..

Which doors to push?

Dear all,

Well I guess the first thing I should mention is an update on my situation re: extending my contract with Lee Abbey. I would love to go into the detail of how this decision was made, but it wouldn’t be appropriate to mention here, especially given the fact they’re still my employer! Suffice it to say however, I’m currently contracted to work/live at Lee Abbey until June 2007 (that constitutes a “one year extension” this being the third time I have asked for an extension).
Anyways, I have a peace about it which I know is from God, yet I’m already starting to plan/think about my next step…more about that later!

In the meantime, another big thing for me was leading my first Host Team. It was my 10th time on Host Team. I’d co-led twice before, which for me means letting the leader plan it all but help out more with the up-front type stuff during the week. Well this time I was the one doing the planning, in fact, I was so keen to prove to myself I could do this, I only brought my co-leader in on it all about a week before it started!

Even the smallest of things was stressful, for example: I was “heading up” the welcomes & introductions” evening on the first evening…but I knew how I wanted it to go…I’d asked for dancers to come on without being introduced (so the lights needed to be dimmed to signal the start), then they would burst into their dance called “All Creation” while their was a PowerPoint presentation showing on the big screen behind them. Then as they left, I wanted our worship leader to kick us off with a few songs (again uninterrupted) and then she would hand over to our “acting warden” who would give all the wardeny notices…who would then hand-over to my co-leader who would then invite me and the rest of the team to join her and introduce herself before inviting the guests speakers to come and introduce themselves and the theme for the week before announcing “hot chocolate will now be served in the gallery”. You can now breathe! Well…it worked…it went really well and looked really professional. So you see…I wasn’t leading every aspect of the week personally…but I had planned most of it so it was quite stressful.

As the week went on, I relaxed into the role and was immensely encouraged by a truly WONDERFUL group of guests who couldn’t say “Thank you David” enough! I also learned a lot and indeed found the week to be a turning point in my life.

The week was called: “Whose earth is it anyway?” and was lead by Dave Bookless (from A ROCHA – a Christian charity passionate about the conservation of God’s creation) and John Wibberly (who only days before the week had been speaking in Ethiopia about his field of endeavour – agriculture. Both spoke well and answered the many questions that came their way. Above all I have learned that taking conservation seriously (in effect – caring for God’s creation) is absolutely NOT an optional extra for Christians, nor is it new age, nor is it a field that it’s “nice for some Christians to be involved in”, nor is it down on the list of priorities in the Christian walk below evangelism and soul-winning etc…it’s a primary command Throughout the Bible and boy did it challenge me! Please e-mail me if you’d like details of A ROCHA’s quarterly magazine…there is no subscription requirement before you may receive it. They live by faith and obviously hope that if you start wanting it regularly you might want to contribute something etc. But I was fascinated about the grassroots examples of a mother/housewife who has a column in there. Also bits for kids etc etc…it’s really well put together and they have a highly respected council of reference.

Anyway, I’m sure A ROCHA will play a large part in my future ministry but for now, it’s the little changes that we all put off making that I’m going to try and implement…but admittedly, it’s not easy! Especially when you know that Brazil cuts down a chunk of rainforest the size of Wales each year…it’s easy to get disheartened! (please visit www.arocha.org.uk for more info)
For now though, I have made enquiries about doing an Access course as an evening class whilst I’m at Lee Abbey. I was sceptical; knowing it would be as hard as A-Levels yet doing it one evening a week whist trying to be the Housekeeper for a Christian conference centre. It seems God has already intervened on that somewhat grandiose idea and when I phoned North Devon College today, it turns out it’s a 3 day a week course and no way could I do that while I’m living/working at Lee Abbey.

It’s interesting, because my agreement with God was that if my extension was anything LESS than 3 years, I was to take that as a sign to not extend at all and leave June 06. So please pray guys as I’m kinda confused about it all. Being the kinda pro-active prayer I am (I don’t expect God to move a lamp 3 inches to the left if he wants to say “YES” but I do want a sign!!!!) I’m probably going to send of an application form to London School of Theology to enrol on a “Theology and Counselling” degree in September 2007. If it comes back as a resounding yes, then I’ll take it to be God’s will. If it’s a no, then I really will have to think about leaving Lee Abbey in June 2006 (not sure how they’ll feel about that but…) and enrolling “somewhere” on an Access Course and then I’ll probably do a degree in History at DeMonfort University or somewhere like that.

I don’t feel I need to “prove” my independence by going to Leeds or Plymouth running up a high debt in accommodation costs…it would be cool to do a degree and live with my folks.

So I guess it’s crunch time, as none P.C. words like CHRISTIAN vs. SECULAR are, it really seems like I now need to decide between Christian academia or secular. So…all I can do is start pushing doors…and yes my heartbeat quickens when I think about uprooting and doing either of them!

Life is CERTAINLY a rollercoaster! When can one get off it though?

As with all my posts, I regret not writing about a "high" as and when it happens. Fortunately I know that some of you are privy to what has been an absolutely extraordinary week for me.

I guess then, that I'll get the negative out the way first! Basically, someone on my team misunderstood a decision I had made this morning regarding where he would work. He thought I was making him work in a particularly hard part of the building as a knee-jerk reaction to his teasing of how I had wrapped a cardigan around my waste which was a bit high!

Admittedly, I was rather threatened by the public humiliation (however minor) and was a bit narked, but I had made the decision as a fall back option yesterday (e.g. IF we get 2 extra people then Y can go and help these guys over here instead) I'd even made a footnote on the bit of paper as a reminder.

Anyway, he seemed seriously pissed off and I couldn't tell if he was joking until he tore strips off me in the corridor outside my office and failed to stop and let me explain simply declaring: "No, I'm going to mention it at the team meeting, I'm not the only person who thinks this!"

Panicked, I called the Centre Manager (in effect - my T.L.) and explained the situation. He said that this was exactly the kind of confrontational issue that I mentioned I struggled with in my appraisal so now was the time to go and take control of the situation on my own. I tried, attempted to compose myself…and tackled this situation. It was quite possibly one of the worst situations I've ever been in since my wretched school years.

To cut a very long story short, my line manager had to become involved and he got the two of us in a room together. It's most certainly NOT very easy to hear other people's views about how badly your do your job! Today's working day ended with all of my team (those that weren't on holiday) being invited to a meeting to discuss me and what issues people have with my leadership/ability to do my job. Whilst I was supposed to be going to this meeting, I chickened out when offered the chance to do so.

Anyway, I've yet to hear how the meeting went! So after calling my family and after a very lonely few hours in my room, I went round to my friends room to cry on her shoulder before managing to force myself go and have a shower, get some nosh and "face the world". Let this be a message to you all though…if you have a problem with your leader be it at church or at work…for goodness sake go about it the right way. Right now, I wouldn't wish my job on anyone…and my respect for those in leadership as again quadrupled!

ANYWAY…. the good stuff!!!!

Last week was desperate to start off with. I had arranged to meet up with old "friends" back in Leicestershire and had practically arranged a time and place when I'd be back home in May with which to meet them for sex. Also, a young man from an Internet Escort agency came back into my life (I'd contacted him last November during a REALLY rough patch). It turns out after 3 months of silence; he's given up that line of work for me, because he loves me - I'll call him "Mr X".

In a nutshell, he's one of the best looking guys I've ever met, he had a wonderfully toned body, he was 18 and in every way shape or form, he was perfect for me…what's more…HE LOVED ME BACK!

Then comes Tuesday, the day of "prayer ministry" for me, I explained all about this Mr X to the two Chaplains and they listened patiently. Then I was simply asked: "David, do you believe God can heal a man of homosexuality?" I thought about…then I said: "Yes!" I mean, God can part a Red Sea, he crafted the universe, flung stars into space, yeah he can do this too! "Do YOU want to be healed from homosexuality? Because if you don't you could spend a year here with us and it wouldn't' change a thing!" Again after some thought I said: "yes!"

After a wonderfully challenging and thought-provoking session, I was again torn. How could I choose? It had been Valentines Day with a special "morning prayers" devoted to love. Everyone was encouraged to be free and happy and the people God wants us to be. I couldn't help but think why have I set the bar SO high for myself? Why is it okay for my male friends to settle down with a guy and yet still be a Christian? How unfair is THAT!!! I was utterly torn, God was holding one door open, and Mr X was holding another one open…and to be honest, I was tempted by both, in reality, I wanted to go in Mr X's door, have some fun, LOTS of fun, then come back to God's door. I was so utterly convinced that whichever door I chose would in some way, lead to regret and heartache, that I wanted to kill myself. I really couldn't see a way out! I just kept staring at my penknife…fortunately, I rang my friend (the same friend who's shoulder I cried on today, she was away in Aberdeen with her family, but she was a lifeline to me at that moment).

It wasn't until Wednesday evening at 9:30pm (as it turns out, the same time a group of friends were praying for community, and someone prayed "passionately" for me at around that time, or so I heard) that I decided to choose God. A friend of my brother's was actually on MSN talking me through how to close down several e-mail accounts…he's certainly someone whom I would consider a mate now! It wasn't easy, writing a long-winded goodbye to Mr X, in fact, he was the hardest thing I've ever had to give away in my life. But the advice of my chaplains was clear: "If you were further along in your walk I'd say 'fine, befriend him' but since right now he will just hinder your growth…" I printed off 2 pictures of Mr X's wonderful face. I wrote on one: "Dear …… I love you, but I love God more! Goodbye!" and then dated it and sealed it in my Lee Abbey photo album. The other copy I had intended to drop off the bridge in Lynmouth (sadly I kept going to bed looking at it and crying myself to sleep, so it just got binned in the end).

During this process, I also forwarded the e-mail with explicit pictures of Mr X in it, onto two friends. They in a sense were my witnesses, to remind me of what I had given up, but also how close I had come to choosing "another way!".

Where am I now? Or should I say, where was I BEFORE this morning? Well, much more confident about myself as a MAN of God and not some lost boy wandering through life in a daze. Utterly at peace about not searching for the "right girl" right now (a marathon I've been running almost weekly since I've been here: "will you go out with me?" "Will you go out with me?" "Will you go out with me?" a different one each week! I'm totally confident God is sorting me out, so when I do EVENTUALLY get a girlfriend, I'll be in a much better space for her! All in all I can say, even on days like today: "LORD…BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!"

Time away, and the death of a great person

Though written on the same day, I thought I needed to include an account of my time away on the “Leadership Time Away” whilst it was still fresh in my memory.

The people who were invited were T.L.s (Team Leaders) The Pastoral team, and the Leadership Team which consists of the Warden, the Centre Manager, the head of Personnel and the Finance Director. Some 22 of us in total.

We stayed at the Sidholme hotel in Sidmouth. The name Sidmouth conjures up images of somewhat backward little Devonshire village, but it has to be said, that whilst it is a retirement hot-spot, it is a beautifully kept town with some wonderful shops on a charming seafront.

The Christian hotel whilst dated in its décor was beautifully kept and looked after. Having quite an impressive entrance hall, replete with heated indoor swimming pool within the grounds (which I took advantage of during our first night there) amongst other things.

Unfortunately during our first night there, I encountered the Deputy Manager. She was consistently "hitting on me" all the time and I was most distressed about her comments such as: “Is it a girl that’s keeping you at Lee Abbey?” “How old are you?” “After 9:00pm I’m a free agent…I’m being SOCIABLE!!!” she was utterly unprofessional and if I had been the most senior person in our group then I would certainly be writing strongly worded letters to her superior. It really was a constant cloud of fear (I don’t think that’s too strong-a-word) over my whole time there! It was also quite distressing that a number of us felt “hounded out of our rooms” some 90 minutes before our check out deadline of 10:00am. To unnecessarily disturb guests before that time sometimes without even knocking was severely unprofessional, and as a paid staff, they really should have known better.

ANYWAY…

The food was delicious and the catering staff were wonderful and whilst I never thought I’d hear myself say this, I really struggled to “be served” after being on the other side of the coin for so long…I even stripped my bed etc before leaving my room. Indeed in fairness the vast majority of the staff were by and large wonderfully charming people and whilst there were clear differences between a “staff-run” hotel and a “community led” conference centre, as brothers and sisters in Christ in a highly competitive market, we found some common ground!

The important stuff:

I think if I was to sum up what this time away has shown me…is the enormous responsibility of anyone in any type of leadership, but particularly, how our choices, our lifestyle choices and our example really has the potential to make or break Lee Abbey’s vision.

The structure was more of a Bible-based teaching/inspiration session in the earlier part of the morning and a discussion-based forum in the later part of the morning. With particular attention paid to what things could we improve on? I really can’t go into the details as some of the things discussed were quite critical to the future of Lee Abbey. Let’s just say, we’re in our 60th year, and with time, things don’t get any easier, in fact, to stay afloat in this “market” for want of a better word…in order to "sell" Lee Abbey as somewhere to come that’s better than going abroad yet more expensive…some tough decisions have to made and fast.

The fact that for our building project we’ve raised over half a million pounds yet that’s only just about 1/5 of what we need to raise in total gives you an idea of the vastness of what we’re dealing with here. So I was struck by both the privilege of being a part of such an organisation, yet at the same time the enormity and hugeness of responsibility that comes with it.

I have an absolute GREAT deal of respect for those sitting in that circle, but a special heart for, concern for, admiration for, the Warden and Centre Manager who really do bear the brunt of all things good and bad at Lee Abbey.

We’ve brainstormed (thought-shower...PAH) many, many avenues and there is much to take away and digest, but at the same time, we’ve bonded, gotten to know each other (not just as names at the end of memo or as people that we occasionally disagree with at various meetings…but as PEOPLE) and hopefully grown in unity.

As Chris (our Warden) said, just looking around the room and seeing the variety of people called to be a part of this community is staggering. Young and old from many, MANY different backgrounds! We have an Anglican Warden, a Baptist Centre Manager, we have Catholics, free churches etc etc, just represented in that room. It never occurred to me until now as I type this, but that means that 1/5 of the entire community were at the Hotel. Meaning that 1/5 of community are leaders in some way. But all are interdependent on the others. However, we lead countless church groups on how to be better churches and how to be effective leaders so we have to model it ourselves.

Ants (our Catering Manager) and myself have the largest teams and it was quite humorous to watch each other try and write one sentence encouragements to each of our team members, trying to remember who in fact were on our teams, who had just arrived and who had recently left. Some SERIOUS laughing was done too, not least during our bowling alley experience last night in Exeter! But I was again struck as I sat in “the music room” of this hotel, looking round at each of these people as we shared “The Grace”, how a hairdresser from Coalville (a town that only 5 guests have heard of in 19 months of being at Lee Abbey) was sitting in that room, with those people, part of a ministry that has a nationwide reputation. It was definitely a “WOW THANK YOU GOD” moment juxtaposed to a “Whoa, I DEFINITELY need your help now more than ever God” moment!

For now at least, whilst there a challenges on the horizon, I am utterly content with my life. Yes lonely, yes not sure whether I’ll be married one day or settling down with 3 gay flatmates….but generally content.

On a different note:

I felt a sharp pain in my chest today when I heard 5 short words which I somehow never thought I’d have to hear: “Oh, Selwyn Hughes has died”. I couldn’t believe it. I had a great deal of respect for this man and was deeply moved by his Autobiography which I FINALLY finished a few weeks ago. His Bible Study notes have been a source of encouragement, challenging, inspiration, rebuking, correcting and life-giving for me for as long as I’ve been a Christian and indeed, would say that they strengthened my first footsteps in the new way of life that is the Christian walk.

But I know that he was content, he died peacefully fully satisfied that his life’s work was complete. In his autobiography he states: “I used to say that I was eager to stay but willing to go, but now I can say I’m eager to go but willing to stay". What an amazing guy!

A "LITTLE" something from me

Well, it’s certainly been longer than I had hoped since last I wrote to you. It would give you all a very “patchy” picture of my life at Lee Abbey if I just share my most recent news and not fill you in on Crimbo (deliberate annoying word added for effect) and New Year.

Well, to say I found the last few days leading up to the House re-opening for Christmas a little stressful would be the understatement of my life. I know “stress” may be a word I use a lot and hope that doesn’t detract from the times I genuinely use it.

In Decmber 2004 my responsibilities were cleaning, and helping to decorate the Octagonal Lounge and Front Hall/Red Staircase. It should be noted that last year, we got some 2 weeks to do this. In December 2005 however, it was my job to personally oversee the whole operation but unfortunately our Maintenance Team (salaried 9:00am – 5:00pm workers who live locally but who aren’t actually on community) were completely redecorating the Octagonal Lounge. They did a GREAT job, but unfortunately it means we were left with a day and a half. The day being the same day guests arrived.

It seemed to take an age to get the Christmas tree erected (some 7 metres of it!!!!!!) and no one seemed to have any sense of urgency apart from me. Since the task was involving the Maintenance Team (whose scaffolding we needed to decorate the tree) and the Estate Team (who were trying to put the tree up, both of whom were fairly new to the work and a bit unsure as to the best way to do it) it wasn’t like I had the authority to crack the whip.

But, as the floor was polished (after the dust was thoroughly vacuumed away from some post-asbestos-removing plaster-boarding) the huge cast-iron grills were lifted and decades worth of dust was sucked out, as sofas were brought back in, plants arranged, cushions straightened and we worked our way backwards towards reception…the House was ready. This left me with about half an hour to plan the next days work, get a shower then race back down to the Octagonal Lounge for some informal carol singing next to our roaring open fire! This was fun albeit a little flustering on my part.

On Christmas Eve Eve, I was working in the Maintenance workshop on my day off, polishing and waxing some new doors for the property my line Manager (Lee Abbey’s centre Manager) had brought in Lynmouth. Whilst some thought I was a bit Looney doing such things on my day off, it gave me a chance to really RELAX and just chill out doing something different. Unfortunately, I forgot about lunch, and when I had to rush away at 4:00pm to get changed and ready for our Christmas Revue rehearsal at 5:00pm, the rehearsal ran over until about 7:15. Just time to go and wolf some dinner down before "curtain call" (so to speak, we have no stage in the Octag!) at 7:45pm. Each time I came off from either delivering some lines or singing in the 4-part choir … I came off wanting to cry. I felt utterly exhausted and stressed and distant from God (Lee Abbey being the worst place on the planet to be if you’re not feeling close to God!!!!!). I soon swooped past the “well done"s and the “very nice” comments and headed straight for bed.

Christmas Eve then, was yet another “Day Off” for me, yet having agreed to be part of our Nativity “walk” which started in the Octagonal Lounge, came to the COMMUNITY ONLY (normally at least) walled garden where the angel told the crowd where to go and look, then past one of the fields where a shepherd told us in no uncertain terms what she felt about her entire team of angels disappearing to go and look for some baby, then looping around to our barn where we had a pretty good nativity amongst some pretty foul-smelling cattle! My part was to be in the choir, but I think I realised for the first time how TOTTALLY unfit I am when I had to sing AND walk up hill. It nearly killed me!!!

Christmas Eve’s midnight’s service made it all worthwhile though. And despite the prospect of starting work at 7:00am on Christmas Day, I was very relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed the service which really spoke to me on a number of levels. The previous few days had also seen some GREAT milestones amongst my own team when all 13 of us managed to sit around for an hour and lay on the table any and all gripes/issues we had with each other. Maybe that spiritual high explained the lull before Christmas?

Christmas Day itself was wonderful. Work seemed to fly by and I arranged it so I covered my friend in the morning and she covered me in the afternoon so once my work in the morning was out the way, I managed to get the rest of the day to myself. The latter half of the day was very normal as I spent it at my Pastoral Link’s flat, watching TV (Including the Queen’s speech – which I hear was recorded for the guests but had no sound the first time round!!!) and sleeping on the sofa! Our morning service had also been very fun and lively. Stuart Townend’s classic “From the Squalor of a borrowed stable” is still a personal favourite. Also something I’ve ALWAYS ALWAYS wanted to see happen…a birthday cake presented during the service literally as a birthday cake for Jesus. You may think that sounds silly, but it really did set the tone for a “whose day is it anyway?” frame of mind.

I hadn’t really noticed that I hadn’t eaten much over Christmas and always seemed to feel full quite quickly. A few days later I woke up in desperate need of the loo in the early hours, only to find I was violently sick (including through my nose) as well. The signs and symptoms were identical to the time of our Royal visit and I new I had gastro enteritis. I snuck into the House and left a message for my team (regrettably a CHANGEOVER DAY and my Deputy had just come off Host Team so wouldn’t be around) to say I wouldn’t be able to come in. I rang our Doctor’s at 8:30am and got an appointment for 9:00am (not specifying my problem, just one of the perks of living in rural Devon).

This had also been the day that Jeremy and Catherine (and all 5 kids) were travelling to Lee Abbey as Jeremy was to be our guest speaker for the New Year’s houseparty. In the brochure since before I knew I would still be at Lee Abbey.

It wasn’t long before Catherine came up with the bright idea that since I’d been signed off for 5 days, I may as well go to their empty vicarage for the remainder of my time. She cleared it with the relevant folk at Lee Abbey who all thought it was better than keeping me under quarantine in my box (what I affectionately call my room) for 5 days. I jumped at the chance and as I set off in Gladys, I realised that snow was falling at an alarming rate. And as is annoying yet typical for North Devon, the snow never settles anywhere … except the roads!

A quick “emergency prayer” ensured it wasn’t long before a dark, quiet and somewhat eerie vicarage was brought to life by my safe, snow-free arrival. For the first time in 19 months I was about to buy my own food, cook my own food, watch my own TV and just have some ME time. Absolute ME TIME, which having lived with a family 100+ for so long was utterly vital to my well-being and I found a new sense of peace. This was also necessary after the unique Christmas rush but could apparently be due to the fact that my throat/viral infection (for which I was signed off work for 2 days at the beginning of December Closed) could actually have worked its way through my body to cause mayhem elsewhere.

Yet again, I lost a LOT of weight, and I have used this as the spear-head to a new way of eating. Not least because I don’t ever want to experience that again!

All in all, it has been a wonderful time where if I look back, I can clearly see God’s hand at work for my good…and I’ve certainly grown as a result! I guess this mammoth blog counts as a Christmas Newsletter 