As with all my posts, I regret not writing about a "high" as and when it happens. Fortunately I know that some of you are privy to what has been an absolutely extraordinary week for me.
I guess then, that I'll get the negative out the way first! Basically, someone on my team misunderstood a decision I had made this morning regarding where he would work. He thought I was making him work in a particularly hard part of the building as a knee-jerk reaction to his teasing of how I had wrapped a cardigan around my waste which was a bit high!
Admittedly, I was rather threatened by the public humiliation (however minor) and was a bit narked, but I had made the decision as a fall back option yesterday (e.g. IF we get 2 extra people then Y can go and help these guys over here instead) I'd even made a footnote on the bit of paper as a reminder.
Anyway, he seemed seriously pissed off and I couldn't tell if he was joking until he tore strips off me in the corridor outside my office and failed to stop and let me explain simply declaring: "No, I'm going to mention it at the team meeting, I'm not the only person who thinks this!"
Panicked, I called the Centre Manager (in effect - my T.L.) and explained the situation. He said that this was exactly the kind of confrontational issue that I mentioned I struggled with in my appraisal so now was the time to go and take control of the situation on my own. I tried, attempted to compose myself…and tackled this situation. It was quite possibly one of the worst situations I've ever been in since my wretched school years.
To cut a very long story short, my line manager had to become involved and he got the two of us in a room together. It's most certainly NOT very easy to hear other people's views about how badly your do your job! Today's working day ended with all of my team (those that weren't on holiday) being invited to a meeting to discuss me and what issues people have with my leadership/ability to do my job. Whilst I was supposed to be going to this meeting, I chickened out when offered the chance to do so.
Anyway, I've yet to hear how the meeting went! So after calling my family and after a very lonely few hours in my room, I went round to my friends room to cry on her shoulder before managing to force myself go and have a shower, get some nosh and "face the world". Let this be a message to you all though…if you have a problem with your leader be it at church or at work…for goodness sake go about it the right way. Right now, I wouldn't wish my job on anyone…and my respect for those in leadership as again quadrupled!
ANYWAY…. the good stuff!!!!
Last week was desperate to start off with. I had arranged to meet up with old "friends" back in Leicestershire and had practically arranged a time and place when I'd be back home in May with which to meet them for sex. Also, a young man from an Internet Escort agency came back into my life (I'd contacted him last November during a REALLY rough patch). It turns out after 3 months of silence; he's given up that line of work for me, because he loves me - I'll call him "Mr X".
In a nutshell, he's one of the best looking guys I've ever met, he had a wonderfully toned body, he was 18 and in every way shape or form, he was perfect for me…what's more…HE LOVED ME BACK!
Then comes Tuesday, the day of "prayer ministry" for me, I explained all about this Mr X to the two Chaplains and they listened patiently. Then I was simply asked: "David, do you believe God can heal a man of homosexuality?" I thought about…then I said: "Yes!" I mean, God can part a Red Sea, he crafted the universe, flung stars into space, yeah he can do this too! "Do YOU want to be healed from homosexuality? Because if you don't you could spend a year here with us and it wouldn't' change a thing!" Again after some thought I said: "yes!"
After a wonderfully challenging and thought-provoking session, I was again torn. How could I choose? It had been Valentines Day with a special "morning prayers" devoted to love. Everyone was encouraged to be free and happy and the people God wants us to be. I couldn't help but think why have I set the bar SO high for myself? Why is it okay for my male friends to settle down with a guy and yet still be a Christian? How unfair is THAT!!! I was utterly torn, God was holding one door open, and Mr X was holding another one open…and to be honest, I was tempted by both, in reality, I wanted to go in Mr X's door, have some fun, LOTS of fun, then come back to God's door. I was so utterly convinced that whichever door I chose would in some way, lead to regret and heartache, that I wanted to kill myself. I really couldn't see a way out! I just kept staring at my penknife…fortunately, I rang my friend (the same friend who's shoulder I cried on today, she was away in Aberdeen with her family, but she was a lifeline to me at that moment).
It wasn't until Wednesday evening at 9:30pm (as it turns out, the same time a group of friends were praying for community, and someone prayed "passionately" for me at around that time, or so I heard) that I decided to choose God. A friend of my brother's was actually on MSN talking me through how to close down several e-mail accounts…he's certainly someone whom I would consider a mate now! It wasn't easy, writing a long-winded goodbye to Mr X, in fact, he was the hardest thing I've ever had to give away in my life. But the advice of my chaplains was clear: "If you were further along in your walk I'd say 'fine, befriend him' but since right now he will just hinder your growth…" I printed off 2 pictures of Mr X's wonderful face. I wrote on one: "Dear …… I love you, but I love God more! Goodbye!" and then dated it and sealed it in my Lee Abbey photo album. The other copy I had intended to drop off the bridge in Lynmouth (sadly I kept going to bed looking at it and crying myself to sleep, so it just got binned in the end).
During this process, I also forwarded the e-mail with explicit pictures of Mr X in it, onto two friends. They in a sense were my witnesses, to remind me of what I had given up, but also how close I had come to choosing "another way!".
Where am I now? Or should I say, where was I BEFORE this morning? Well, much more confident about myself as a MAN of God and not some lost boy wandering through life in a daze. Utterly at peace about not searching for the "right girl" right now (a marathon I've been running almost weekly since I've been here: "will you go out with me?" "Will you go out with me?" "Will you go out with me?" a different one each week! I'm totally confident God is sorting me out, so when I do EVENTUALLY get a girlfriend, I'll be in a much better space for her! All in all I can say, even on days like today: "LORD…BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!"
No comments:
Post a Comment