Well, despite sin at it’s darkest, being a damp festering bog of denial and shame…I firmly believe that a victory – however gory the battle may have been – should be shared. To that extent, the following description of the new depth to which I’ve stooped may shock you, but it’s me and my story of God’s ultimate victory and therefore, it must be shared.
I have just spoken to Mim and said that I didn’t want the fact I now had a girlfriend to colour or sway what I wrote/confessed about online. But for those of you that live in Aber and may be shocked by this, please tread carefully in how you talk about this to Mim and be aware of how difficult this has been for her.
Those that have followed my blog from the year "dot" will know that in October/November 2005 and then again in February 2006, I fell short in an unusual yet dangerous way by talking to a Male Escort (Mr X for the sake of argument) online and over the phone.
A viscous circle of invent a name…gain trust, get talking, do dodgy things together (albeit from a distance…we have in fact never met), come clean, own up to being a Christian going by the name of David, apologise and delete contact…or like last time…create a new e-mail address.
It has been VERY tempting for me to get back in touch with Mr X for many months, but I never succumbed…until last Sunday. Wham, before I knew it, a new e-mail address, story and personality was created and I had sent an e-mail to Mr X (his address being VERY easy to remember and way too difficult to forget). Out of guilt, I closed the account.
I felt terribly guilty, and couldn’t rationalise the hurt I was going to cause Mim if we remained together, so on Monday, I made up my mind to end the relationship, if only to protect her young heart from further damage. Fortunately, God really used a climbing wall ("A HANDBAG?"… "A CLIMBING WALL?") to speak to me. What I mean is, I was so depressed and all ready to end it, when I went for a climbing session with my Team at the Beacon as a Team-building exercise that I’d dreamed up but definitely regretted as I entered the room and contemplated the task set before us.
Anyway, it released so many endorphins and I felt such a sense of achievement that I’d managed to get to the top, that I soon forgot my woes and was able to ring Mim and have a reasonable conversation, albeit one that included a confession about trying to get back in touch with Mr X. Unfortunately…I couldn’t resist and I went back online and activated my account later that evening. I e-mailed (knowing that a closed account would have bounced back any e-mails he might have sent) back and said I’d been having trouble with my hotmail account, had he received my last e-mail.
By Tuesday morning, there was a reply from Mr X…I’d not heard from him in months…a rush of excitement surged down my spine as I clicked reply. I told him that I would be online from 9.00pm onwards.
No Mr X at 9.00pm…so I logged into a gay chat room…not much luck for about an hour…finally found a willing chatter. Got "talking" to him for about 2.5 hours before Mr X finally showed up online. Within seconds Mr X was sending me (though he didn’t know it was me) certain pictures of himself, it turns out that since I last saw Mr X he’d become a porn star. Not just a gay man’s fantasy or some boast he blagged about, but genuinely copyrighted pictures of himself were sent, and though I shouldn’t, I knew the "reputable" adult film company…so he was telling the truth.
Anyway to cut a long story short after that "conversation" I came clean to Mr X using my real e-mail address and told him it was really that crazy Christian guy all along…YET AGAIN.
Obviously today, when I e-mailed Mim the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth it was obvious to her that we should no longer go out…I thought to myself that irrespective of whether she’s prepared to knowingly have her heart broken by me…I’m not, on her behalf. I was going to end this for her sake.
Well…God had other plans! I had signed up for this 48 hour prayer thingy and my slot was 7.30pm! I begrudgingly hauled ass up to the chapel (where there were lots of reflective and contemplative prayer stations set up) with my Bible in one hand…and sat down in an armchair. What Mim was later to refer to as "The Granddad’s Prayer station". I knew I couldn’t intercede for other causes while my own life was so desperate.
God cleansed me in a profound way using the passage I read at the time of my conversion, that of Psalm 51. I went back down to the Octagonal Lounge enthused and reinvigorated with sense of purpose, I joined in with the evening’s activity and then sought out my friend Lucia and poured out my soul to her. Confessing in all detail the depth of my sin … knowing I needed to acknowledge it in all it’s fullness before I could properly move on.
Her counsel was wise and timely, she reminded me that what I feed my mind/soul is what will grow and if I eat spiritual junk food then I will become spiritually unfit. And if one is unfit we all know too well what kind of illnesses can creep in … and, so too, with the spiritual life. She prayed intensely for me, and many more layers of this seemingly endless onion (which is my baggage) were peeled off tonight.
In our weaknesses, God truly is strong. And the in-depth conversation and prayere Mim and I had tonight was, without a doubt, the closest we’ve been with each other since we last saw each other in-the-flesh.
"There’s only one order…WE HOLD!" Tonight…a victory has been won. Though my fortress was overrun, when I myself chose to open the main gates and let the enemy in … Jesus has swept through the battlements and courtyard, vanquished the enemy and re-sealed the gates. Now he’s helping me to repair the inside. And to that I say: "Thank you Lord Amen … I am still yours … I love you!"
Wow. Not sure it was ever appropriate to share THAT much.
ReplyDelete