Hello all

Hello my lovelies,

Many of you have rightly been nagging me to update this lovely blog for some time now. Well, I can assure you that there are many reasons why I have not done so.

Just to update you then:

Positives:

Twelfth Night Rehearsal began to really REALLY eat into my life, namely because I had recruited two guys from my class at college and therefore thought duty-bound to pick them up from Barnstaple (thus having to drop them off at the end of each rehearsal) every day. Meaning that I simply lived off sandwiches and spent my life in either the car, at the rehearsal or at college, with the odd break in my bed! I was so busy in fact I began to get quite ill, utterly jiggered.

College has been absolutely awesome and certainly one of the best things/directions that has happened to me in many moons. Surprisingly, I’m doing rather well in English Literature though freely admit with the Philosophy-like take on things History is proving to be not so easy! I’m also learning Maths with the hope of re-taking my Maths GCSE in 2008. Though I only need to bump it up from a D to a C to get anywhere in life...I’ve put a great deal of time and effort into it and would LOVE to get the highest Grade I can! Which may still only be a C as my brain just wasn’t cut out for Maths.

At the same time, I’ve also progressed a great deal in my singing ability. My voice being honed by a lovely American Opera singer who has moderated Exams at the Guild Hall School of Music and Drama no less! Yet another person who asked me if I was any relation to Keith B********n who is apparently the director. Oh how I long to be able to say a resounding “YES” to such a question! Alas no...we come from a mining background! But there must be some Mozart in our genome?

Anyway, akin to that, I have recently started to have piano lessons. These are somewhat cheaper given the fact that I give my Piano Tutor a lift to College 3 days a week so he’s training me for free! Can’t say fairer than that. Have only had 3 lessons and he’s flippin' starting me on Grade 5 pieces!!!! ARRRRRRGH.

Sadly though my friends (and this is perhaps the main reason for my not writing sooner) it has been a VERY difficult time for me. Drama was going extremely well (albeit very tiring) when on the night before my first performance, I got the terrible news that my much-loved Grandma had passed away. I had known she had been ill for several months, and she had been in hospital in the last 10 days of her life...but somehow, I never in my wildest nightmares could have imagined this scenario. In fact it is a sad fact that only after the absence of something do we as humans appreciate how much we loved, respected and even depended on it. It matters not whether all of you who read this can empathise with what it is like to loos a “a Grandparent” because she wasn’t’ just “a grandparent” she was “MY Grandma” And everyone created on this earth is as unique as their fingerprint. Thus is our relationship with them!

My brother formed a very moving and appropriate poem to read out at the Eulogy and I myself had recorder a song: “O God you Search Me and You Know Me” (a Christian Song virtually taken word for word from Psalm 139) and played that. It was a very special send-off, given with all the strength we could summon and I miss her incredibly and find her absence in the most unlikely of places!

It was during this that self-harm began to be of concern to my nearest and dearest. I will venture to say that even after anointing and deliverance ministry yesterday, I’m certain I have not yet seen the back of this Evil hold in my life.

Having moved light-years beyond a little scratch here and there with an open safety pin, to deep lacerations which are leaving dreadful and obvious scarring, I urge all who read this to send a prayer in my direction as I try and counter this.

Obviously the war between sexuality and God’s will has played a very significant part in the depths of my depression. And whilst I know I’m not the first (and certainly won’t be the last Christian male) to find this war difficult, it certainly has felt like the Evil One has won more campaigns than I have allowed the Lord to win recently. Irrespective of the knowledge that Christ has already won the ultimate victory, I am forced to acknowledge my inadequacies of people able to hold out in this war, at this time, with these people and these feelings for very long. Again – prayer appreciated!

What with Twelfth Night (I was able to go on stage that first night and go on to complete a further 2 performances before returning to Leicestershire for the funeral etc), the funeral week, the TfT Conference and the depths of despair, I honestly can’t account for the majority of November at all!

To end on a positive note, I have joined a fantastic church in the late summer and can honestly say hand on heart that I feel I could invite ANYONE to come along at whatever stage they’re at, even on a week I’m out of town, and am UTTERLY confident that he or she would be welcomed with open arms in the same way that I was and am. It’s of the Calvary Chapel denomination, and whilst they may not tick all of my secondary-theology boxes, a mature Christian knows that he or she must eat the meat and leave the bones when it comes to church. After all, isn’t the saying: “I hope you never find a perfect church because when you do, you will make it imperfect as soon as you join it” true? All I know with these people is...the Bible rules and that is certainly something I need more of in my life at the moment.

I guess I ought to end there really.

All my love and a very Merry Christmas to you all

D

A quickie

Hello y'all

Just a quick update form me for the few out there who may be bored enough to give this site an occasional "butchers".

Well, as many of you know I temporarily had to vacate my home for two weeks whilst the faily i live with went on a house-swap holiday. Normally I would have simply gone with them, but I had to stay in the area as I still needed to commute to that infamous supermarket where I have been employed this summer.

Last monday however, I was en-route to Barnstaple from Lee Abbey (where I'd ended up residing for the two weeks - long story lol) only to end up "de-railing" my car and writing it off.

To cut a very long-story short, Devon experienced Torrential rains in a short space of time (flood warnings ahd been given out the night before) but I decided to proceed with caution. With head-lights on, windscreen-wipers on maximum and a cautions 45mph plodding speed...I still managed to hit a LARGE puddle and aqua-plane on all four wheels instantaneously losing control of the car. It proceed to roll over and over starting on the drivers side, windows breaking, glass everywhere and CDs etc flying out of my car.

Needless to say I was able to walk away from the wreckage more or less unscathed (asside from whip-lash and some cuts and scratches etc). It's interesting that the words to leave my lipsnano-seconds before the crash were: "Lord if what I'm about to do is wrong, show me!" and the next thing I knew, I was standing in the pouring rain with blood poruing down my hand unable to call an ambulance as I had no signal.

The Lord answers prayer...so BE WARNED. He was also gracious enough to send a bus coming round the corner the driver of which was quick to bring me inside the bus and sit me down, along with radioing for most of the emergency services.

Suffice it to say, I hoping to pick up a "new" vehicle tomorrow in order to travel home and see my family. It's amazing how a brush with death can change one's perspective on life. Anyway, if you're in the Ville of Coal in the next too weeks then do give me a buzz.

I'm also praying that I'll receiever as student loan in order to make a "YEAR O" course (the new name for an access course apparently) in "History with English" hoping to lead onto a B.A. in History and English. Please pray that this will be the case as it's still up in the air at the moment.

I've also just been to a play-reading of Shakespear's "TWELVE NIGHT" which if I'm given a part for, I'll be performing in it in November. I've finally caved under the "you should really do some stage work" suggestions of countless friends and confidants over the years...but it is somewhat overwhelming and scary so again, please pray about it. Interesting, if I'm accepted into this Drama Studio, AND I'm accepted onto this course...then one of my teachers will also be my producer/director for the play...how weird is that in terms of timing????

Bye for now

Love

D

Last few weeks as a 23-year-old

Well, yet again, I'm long over-due in writing to this lovely website.

Just a few lines to keep those interested (and those still awake) aprised of the goings on of late. I'm about 3 weeks into my job as a "General Assistant" (posh word for a Dog's Body) at our esteemed local supermarket. I chose to do Nightshifts, not simply because the pay is supposed to be better (not seen a penny yet!!!!!!) but also because that was the only space they had left.

The work though hellish is getting somewhat easier, though my strss levels vary depending on who's in charge and whether they're good in that role or not...enough said. I'm told that once you've been in a leadership role, it's hard to take a back seat and follow orders...to be honest I was rather hoping to take a back seat, but it's a big ask when the person driving hasn't been trained to or doesn't know how to! Annnnyway...the team are lovely, and I'm praying the remainder of my 11-week contract goes by as quickly as is possible.

The worst thing about the crazy shifts patterns (which are even MORE unpredicatble than I ever thought possible) is that I've been as yet, unable to attend a church service since this work began. I tried to 2get up" after an hour's sleep last Sunday, but failed dismally.

The good thing about all of this extra physical work is it helps the weight-loss drive I've been on over the last 5 or so weeks. To date, I have lost just over 2 stone, and can barely recognise myself in the mirror (not least since I've not weighed as little as I currently do since I was 15!!!!!!). Though the additional "exercise" has done me good, I'm sure the willingness to walk more and drive less has also helped. But peronslally i think it's Catherine's guidence in what to eat and when...I beleive we're falling the RC GI Jeans diet...it's certainly done the job. Last week I lost 2 pounds, this weigh-day I've lost 5 pounds!!!! it's all very exciting. Though no one can quite see where it's still got to be lost from, the Doctor thinks I should aim to loose another 2!!!! Ho hum...we'll see.

So yeah, thinner, working hard, no church... that would be me at the moment. Sorry there's nothing else to say, but apart from a few good mates coming to see me...my life is pretty much limited to work, eat and sleep at the moment.

Loads-a-love for now

David

Not lost in the Delta-Quadrant after all!

Well, it’s definitely time I updated this blog. It’s been a very difficult past few months, and certainly the most testing (as far as my faith is concerned) I’ve ever known.

I struggle to know quite how to put it into words in order that I protect the people involved and their feelings, keep some of my heart for me, but also do justice to God’s miraculous, saving Grace. So if this comes across as short, and a bit of a “cop-out”…hopefully you’ll understand why.

I guess if I were to sum it up, my life has been slowly on its way down since November, and as my leaving date neared it seemed like the out-of-control-train that was my life was certainly going down a slope, and no force in heaven or earth could have slammed on the breaks. I was destined to leave Lee Abbey a wreck, before my contract expired and having wasted 3-years of my life.

PRAISE THE LORD that this was NOT his intention! To cut a very long story short, I took my boss up on his offer of a week’s retreat on the Wednesday following my alarming “mass-email”. Ironically, Mim and I ended up at the same house, our friend’s house in Ilfracombe. As I embraced my so called “new freedom” and got various things pierced, hair coloured, new glasses and a few "lads-mags" (of the gay variety), Mim could only watch on the sidelines. Her heart was already in pieces and in hindsight, it’s clear to me that my behaviour was utterly insensitive that week. And several more mutual friends have commented on the fact. In the end though, tears were shed on both sides, and we attempted to close what for both of us had been a very special - if at times strained - courtship. More importantly though, God was able to smash through all of my AVOIDENCE barriers and I heard his voice more clearly than ever on that oh-so-tired subject that has plagued my life for almost as long as I can remember – being attracted to members of the same sex.

I’m increasingly concerned that what is shared on the internet in this context is actually forever inscribed onto some mega hard-drive and may well come back to haunt me in years to come. More urgent however, is perhaps the realisation that this website may have actually cost (or at some point soon – cost) me future employment. SO all I’ll say on my Theology is…ASK ME! I guess for those of you who know me well enough, then it will be okay simply to say that the David who got Baptised when he was 18 has re-found his “first-love” of Christ and it has drilled itself so very deep I hope and pray that I will be able to better-withstand future earthquakes, because we all know, they’re set to get worst.

I guess in all of this (and I’m so very grateful for the support of my GP in his less than “slap-dash” approach to my depression) I’m keenly aware of a sense of loss. Not simply in my Lee Abbey experience (where leaving is often defined as a sudden loss of home, job, status, church and family all rolled into one), but of a beautiful, charismatic, gifted, patient, special, kind and overwhelmingly mature woman of God whom I have pushed away. Quite possibly for good. That’s all I’ll say of Mim, because I don’t want to cause her any more humiliation or pain than I so obviously have…save to say, I will ALWAYS love her.

I guess a page of A4 on size-12 font will do for now. Though I would just like to say a HUGE thank you for your prayers and for those of you who stood by me WITHOUT feeling the need to call down fire and brimstone as many others did. I'll probably post again soon, better detailing my actual departure from Lee Abbey and paying tribute to their AWESOME send-off!

By for now - David

News Flash

Hi all, for those of you that know me, you'll know I've been a committed Christian since I was 18. To me, that has meant a FIRM belief that the practise of homosexuality is not God's will for my life. It will therefore come as a shock to you all, as it has done to me, that I am now rejecting that train of thought and thinking about following the gay lifestyle.

Unfortunately this has meant that I have now broken up with my girlfriend.She is an absolutely wonderful person...and has been a rock to me for many months. But in many respects...I know she deserves someone far more stable than I currently am. If you know her...please DO get in touch with her as she'll need a lot of prayer and support right now.

As for me, I'm very hurt, confused, angry, scared and extremely stressed right now. If you read this and you're a Christian, please do not judge me and assume I'm going straight to hell. If you're not a Christian and a therefore behind me in this exploration of me and the world, please be patient if I seem hesitant and confused...this is enormous for me...so whatever side you fall on, I won't be able to do it without your support.

love - David

Outcome of Interview

Hi guys, as some of you will already know, I went for an Interview this last weekend at a church in Stoke-on-Trent.

To cut a very long story short, I didn't want the job. Although to my suprise I think the interviewing panel actually wanted me to come in the end! I say in the end, I did feel rather "over-done" when they grilled me at certain point throughout the rather drawn-out "informal" interview. It certainly took its toll on my emotions and at one point described it as "the most upset I've been since my school days".

I don't want to go into detail (though feel free to ask me on a one-to-one) as it wasn't all bad. And the vicar (and his wife) who I stayed with were absolutely wonderful and it was a joy to get to know them better and I hope Mim and I can actually go and visit them some time coz they're truly LOVELY! The church community itself was also very welcoming and it's certainly a lovely setting!

In fairness, I think God used the experience to steer me away from rushing into any sort of church ministry/leadership stuff too soon. I really want to get a "normal" job now, maybe earn a bit of cash and set up my own pad somewhere. I still intend to stay with my friends in Ilfracombe for the summer, but really I do need to stretch my wings a bit and be a bit more independent before I settle down for good etc. I also think my Baptist roots may have been stirred into action again! I certainly look forward to getting to know the Baptist church at Minehead run by my friend from Lee Abbey (the former Centre Manager and his family).

Hope all of that waffle makes sense.

Lots o love

David

P.S. Mim had the idea of getting in touch with my parents to arrange a "surprise visit" on Friday afternoon. The idea being that she would arrive at Leicester train station in time for my dad to pick her up when he collected my mum from work. Unfortunately, I arrievd home at 2.30pm which was just in time for her to ring my dad - he wasn't in and so she got me! Apart from the surprise being rumbled...it was also bad news as her train had been delayed yet again.

4 trains and a series of delays later, Mim go into Loughborough train station at about 5.45pm. Despite standing for almost 6 hours and despite me being shattered from a long day of driving...we both VERY MUCH enjoyed being reunited for the first time since our "break-up-and-make-up" spell. It was awesome to see her and to know that she'd made such a huge sacrifice to come and see me!

Incoming transmission

Well, it’s been a while! For those of you who didn’t already know, Mim and I broke up a few weeks back…but worry not…we made up about 1.5 weeks ago!

Sounds weird I know, but was all rather horrid at the time (totally me you understand) but I guess something that arose out of not knowing for sure whether I would break Mim’s heart in the future. You see, December was a pretty crap month for me in terms of trips and falls. However, I came to my senses when it dawned on me that my life here on earth is destined to be weird, depressing and terribly confusing at times since there’s a whole 80% of it (the homosexual bit) that’s simply not being lived out.

I’m constantly talking through with Mim and other trusted friends ways in which it should be lived out that are healthy and non-threatening to my doctrinal stand-point but so far, it’s pretty penned up! Another reason why I had gone through this “tunnel” was I had been working on a Workshop entitled “Homosexuality – the Church’s response” which I had intended to be a thought-provoking look at the whole “gay-issue” as it continues to dominate national headlines. Unfortunately, in digging around in this area, the threads of my own value system began to loosen. So I had to call off the workshop. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe that at its most basic point, the practise of homosexuality is not God’s ideal, but I have to admit, that a lot of things aren’t God’s ideal. I guess in a nutshell, I’m happy with where I’m at, but I’m certainly NOT in a strong enough position to champion any “causes” in this area.

And SOOOO…..

I have an interview next weekend at a church in Stoke on Trent. Looking at becoming a Ministry Trainee/Lay-Assistant. Not sure what the title is, but the allowance would be about the same as I was on as a one-year community member of Lee Abbey, plus accommodation and food would be included etc. It's all rather scary, but if I’m serious about pushing the door of ordination then I will actually have to make contact with the door at some point!

I leave Lee Abbey when my contract expires on 3rd May 2007 meaning I will have been on community for almost 3 years. In terms of workload, stress, and impending M.E. if I don’t watch the physical overkill, I’m counting down the days. In terms of life-experience, solid friendships, excellent teaching, scenery and general growth-rate…I will be VERY sad to leave and can quite easily get very tearful about it if I stop and think for any length of time. Lee Abbey has played a HUGELY significant part of what I would call “formative years” in my life and I know how fortunate I am to have been able to have this experience.

One of my closest friends (of almost 2.5 years) also leaves community in 2 weeks…hmmm, not sure how that’s gonna work :(

Well, hopefully it won’t be another 3 months before I type again…but…I’d definitely value your prayers at this time.

Love

D