Well, it’s definitely time I updated this blog. It’s been a very difficult past few months, and certainly the most testing (as far as my faith is concerned) I’ve ever known.
I struggle to know quite how to put it into words in order that I protect the people involved and their feelings, keep some of my heart for me, but also do justice to God’s miraculous, saving Grace. So if this comes across as short, and a bit of a “cop-out”…hopefully you’ll understand why.
I guess if I were to sum it up, my life has been slowly on its way down since November, and as my leaving date neared it seemed like the out-of-control-train that was my life was certainly going down a slope, and no force in heaven or earth could have slammed on the breaks. I was destined to leave Lee Abbey a wreck, before my contract expired and having wasted 3-years of my life.
PRAISE THE LORD that this was NOT his intention! To cut a very long story short, I took my boss up on his offer of a week’s retreat on the Wednesday following my alarming “mass-email”. Ironically, Mim and I ended up at the same house, our friend’s house in Ilfracombe. As I embraced my so called “new freedom” and got various things pierced, hair coloured, new glasses and a few "lads-mags" (of the gay variety), Mim could only watch on the sidelines. Her heart was already in pieces and in hindsight, it’s clear to me that my behaviour was utterly insensitive that week. And several more mutual friends have commented on the fact. In the end though, tears were shed on both sides, and we attempted to close what for both of us had been a very special - if at times strained - courtship. More importantly though, God was able to smash through all of my AVOIDENCE barriers and I heard his voice more clearly than ever on that oh-so-tired subject that has plagued my life for almost as long as I can remember – being attracted to members of the same sex.
I’m increasingly concerned that what is shared on the internet in this context is actually forever inscribed onto some mega hard-drive and may well come back to haunt me in years to come. More urgent however, is perhaps the realisation that this website may have actually cost (or at some point soon – cost) me future employment. SO all I’ll say on my Theology is…ASK ME! I guess for those of you who know me well enough, then it will be okay simply to say that the David who got Baptised when he was 18 has re-found his “first-love” of Christ and it has drilled itself so very deep I hope and pray that I will be able to better-withstand future earthquakes, because we all know, they’re set to get worst.
I guess in all of this (and I’m so very grateful for the support of my GP in his less than “slap-dash” approach to my depression) I’m keenly aware of a sense of loss. Not simply in my Lee Abbey experience (where leaving is often defined as a sudden loss of home, job, status, church and family all rolled into one), but of a beautiful, charismatic, gifted, patient, special, kind and overwhelmingly mature woman of God whom I have pushed away. Quite possibly for good. That’s all I’ll say of Mim, because I don’t want to cause her any more humiliation or pain than I so obviously have…save to say, I will ALWAYS love her.
I guess a page of A4 on size-12 font will do for now. Though I would just like to say a HUGE thank you for your prayers and for those of you who stood by me WITHOUT feeling the need to call down fire and brimstone as many others did. I'll probably post again soon, better detailing my actual departure from Lee Abbey and paying tribute to their AWESOME send-off!
I struggle to know quite how to put it into words in order that I protect the people involved and their feelings, keep some of my heart for me, but also do justice to God’s miraculous, saving Grace. So if this comes across as short, and a bit of a “cop-out”…hopefully you’ll understand why.
I guess if I were to sum it up, my life has been slowly on its way down since November, and as my leaving date neared it seemed like the out-of-control-train that was my life was certainly going down a slope, and no force in heaven or earth could have slammed on the breaks. I was destined to leave Lee Abbey a wreck, before my contract expired and having wasted 3-years of my life.
PRAISE THE LORD that this was NOT his intention! To cut a very long story short, I took my boss up on his offer of a week’s retreat on the Wednesday following my alarming “mass-email”. Ironically, Mim and I ended up at the same house, our friend’s house in Ilfracombe. As I embraced my so called “new freedom” and got various things pierced, hair coloured, new glasses and a few "lads-mags" (of the gay variety), Mim could only watch on the sidelines. Her heart was already in pieces and in hindsight, it’s clear to me that my behaviour was utterly insensitive that week. And several more mutual friends have commented on the fact. In the end though, tears were shed on both sides, and we attempted to close what for both of us had been a very special - if at times strained - courtship. More importantly though, God was able to smash through all of my AVOIDENCE barriers and I heard his voice more clearly than ever on that oh-so-tired subject that has plagued my life for almost as long as I can remember – being attracted to members of the same sex.
I’m increasingly concerned that what is shared on the internet in this context is actually forever inscribed onto some mega hard-drive and may well come back to haunt me in years to come. More urgent however, is perhaps the realisation that this website may have actually cost (or at some point soon – cost) me future employment. SO all I’ll say on my Theology is…ASK ME! I guess for those of you who know me well enough, then it will be okay simply to say that the David who got Baptised when he was 18 has re-found his “first-love” of Christ and it has drilled itself so very deep I hope and pray that I will be able to better-withstand future earthquakes, because we all know, they’re set to get worst.
I guess in all of this (and I’m so very grateful for the support of my GP in his less than “slap-dash” approach to my depression) I’m keenly aware of a sense of loss. Not simply in my Lee Abbey experience (where leaving is often defined as a sudden loss of home, job, status, church and family all rolled into one), but of a beautiful, charismatic, gifted, patient, special, kind and overwhelmingly mature woman of God whom I have pushed away. Quite possibly for good. That’s all I’ll say of Mim, because I don’t want to cause her any more humiliation or pain than I so obviously have…save to say, I will ALWAYS love her.
I guess a page of A4 on size-12 font will do for now. Though I would just like to say a HUGE thank you for your prayers and for those of you who stood by me WITHOUT feeling the need to call down fire and brimstone as many others did. I'll probably post again soon, better detailing my actual departure from Lee Abbey and paying tribute to their AWESOME send-off!
By for now - David
