Greetings

Hello everyone, well since the advent of Facebook (I mean seriously...who e-mails people any more ... really? Honestly?) I have not felt the need to update this website.

In fact, it may even be time to close this website down ... noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Anyway, just to say that I'm looking forward to returning to the town with Coal around the 17th-18th December. I shall be glad to stay in a house with central heating. My fingers are blue and stiff as I write this with almost sub-zero temperatures inside the flat.

We're cursed with electric heaters which, as most will know, you only put on when literally moments from death because they make one's electricity metre look like a merry-go-round.

I think it's a bit of a shame that since I'm already clocking up in the region of £30,000 by doing a simple BA, that I should lose digits through hypothermia in the process. I mean, don't get me wrong ... I'm not THAT spoiled...I know we students are supposed to "rough-it" for a bit...but come on...this is England! The year is 2008....get with it! Most Uni's now offer their students en-suites in halls for goodness sake....all I want is a bit of heat!

Anyways...apart from dying of cold...I'm doing rather well. I have not self-harmed since early July, though the threat of this has not entirely deserted me and still requires your prayer.

I won't bore you with the whole "is he" "Isn't he" saga of my views of the theology of same-sex relationships. As you'll have guessed, they've changed about 6 times since last time I wrote on here...and the ping-pong of fearing I'll go to hell because I need the company of another (and that other just happens to be a male) has made me think unless I make a decision (any decisions!!!!) and just stick with it for a few weeks, I really WILL develop schizophrenia (sp?).

The point is, I'm just me...and as I write this...me is okay at the moment. BELIEVE me, that's a big step forward. I'm 10 days into a new anti-depressant, but I'm keen to try and come off anti-Ds completely at some point. My former Doctor (the best I've ever known and worked with) believed strongly that no one should come off anti-Ds in winter) so I think I'll try probably around April or May. better not to rush it and get it right, than do the reverse and end up jumping off a bridge methinks.

I'm still seeing my counsellor once a week and she really has been the best thing in my life since I discovered chocolate. She's amazing at her job and I wouldn't be at all surprised if she turned out to be an angel...panic-ye-not...I'm not in love with her! She's just bloody good at her job.

I also understand the "condition" of Depression more, my only regret is that more people don't seem to know anything about it...which can be quite annoying when you're in a strong place, and upsetting when you're in a low place. Ho hum...at least I'll be able to educate them when I'm better permanently...YAY.

The college course goes well, and today despite having a wretched tonsillitis (never had it before) I managed to deliver a presentation on the life of a lady in the 18th century. And I mean "lady" not merely a woman...you catch my drift? As in aristocratic. I asked my history teacher if I (and everyone else I know) considers the 18th century to be boring and label it as (nothing exciting happened) based on the fact that it was one of England's darkest chapters re: the Slave Trade. We "free-thinking" students believe that is the case.

So yeah, Semester one finished early January, which probably means my Christmas break will be rife with study, but as a student...I can't hardly complain about that now can I!!!!! lol.

Right, by for now...see some of you soon...

David

I'm still alive!

Well where to start…

This past 6 months have been very busy, unsettling, exciting, overwhelmingly sad, yet at times: immensely happy.

Still unable to communicate with Miriam which as I understand it; continues to be in keeping with her wishes I have decided once and for all to let the past rest and move on.

I have therefore begun to explore the other side to my persona and that is homosexuality. It seems most of my “mistakes” in the past have occurred at times when I thought that in order to commit to a same-sex monogamous relationship, I needed to throw away and disregard all things pertaining to Christianity. From reading my Bible and attending church/Christian gatherings right the way through to not talking to any Christian friends. I have since re-evaluated this foolish notion and have realised that "liberal" doesn't necessarily mean "evil", "diluted" or "weak" … but can simply mean “different”.

As I’m sure you will appreciate, this has not been an easy ride by far. Indeed self-harm reached its all-time peak both in severity and frequency. Fortunately, I have been held together largely by an absolutely AWESOME network of support from college. From weekly counselling sessions with the help of a college counsellor – a lady who has spoken the most sense into my life thus far, whose refusal to come down with either an overtly Christian slant, or that of a homosexual viewpoint, has, at last, freed me to explore what it is I really need in life and guiding me in this process.

I have also been assigned a mentor whom I work closely with. Due to the “low periods” and “anxiety attacks” (the latter often being a side-effect of anti-depressants) he was even able to organise a smaller venue for me to take my exams … the first being completed with only one other student present! Indeed all teachers across the board at college have been enormously supportive throughout this process.

I still miss Grandma enormously and sometimes cry myself to sleep at the rawness of the loss which is still only beginning to sink-in on a more permanent basis. Even the sight of my Granddad without her following behind is enough to reduce me to tears. As I am back home for Leicestershire for the summer, I feel her loss more acutely here as there are so many happy memories associated with this town.

Despite such a topsy-turvy few months, I was delighted to discover I had passed this year’s pre-degree course with flying colours (i.e. a Distinction with Honours). This was particularly surprising given the fact that I – along with the rest of the family I had been living with – lost our home and given 6 weeks to move. This was particularly stressful given the fact I was approaching exam season, my dissertation deadline was looming and perhaps most disturbingly; there weren't any properties available to rent.

To cut a long and very stressful story short, I was much blessed when I found – and secured – a two-bedroom flat above a (then) Christian Bookshop. Whilst there are irritating people who make noise at goodness knows WHAT hour since I’m on the main street … it is at least a sanctuary and a base with which to continue on my University education – not least since I have now procured ear plugs!

I have recently found a person who I am deeply attracted to not only for their personality, soul, compassion, sense of humour, desire to do something important with their life and make a difference, intelligence and down-to-earthness, but also because they are the most beautiful person I have ever set eyes upon. The only drawback is that we have not yet met and our acquaintance has thus far been restricted to the internet and the telephone. Whilst this is in itself not a big issues since a) we’re intending to meet within the next 10 days and b) I have had successful relationships before where a partner and I decided to start going out before we’d actually met, there is one large obstacle: even if we get along and mutually decide we might like to “give it a go”, the fact that I reside in Devon and they live between two of Europe’s greatest capitol cities – neither of which I frequent – means that they are unlikely to want to make such a commitment. I am wholeheartedly willing to enter into such a relationship as I have never felt this way about someone beforehand and would be utterly proud to have them in my life and give them such a special place in my heart. Prayers for the next 10 days would be much appreciated! Will post more when there is more to post though hopefully it will be under 6 months time!

As for me, I am generally in good spirits…I am keeping myself out of too much trouble mostly by dividing my time between the object of my attraction, trying to assimilate the mammoth reading list for the first semester and…crochet! Yes, another feather to the cap and it’s actually very therapeutic! If heterosexual males should doubt the manliness of such a pastime they should consider the fact that a HUGE stalwart of trade unions in the North of England swore by this hobby as he spent his latter working years being ferried from one speech to the next in the back of a limo! I recommend it! Bye for now!

Hi

Brothers and sisters...do not compromise the waiting. I have come to realise that it's when I compromise the waiting that I fall. Let us keep to the path He has laid out for us and not try to cut across-country to the rewards, but wait for them patiently and in His timing.

Still missin' her!

Hello my wonderful friends and Happy New Year! I realise it’s not all that long since I last wrote…but woe is me I’m babysitting and I thought I may as well take advantage of using my brother’s WORKING Internet connection unlike that of my parents.

Well, as I’m sure you’ll have pieced together from my various posts throughout 2007, that the year that has just passed has been a very unsettling one for me in many ways. When asked to turn to one another a “thank God for 2007” at a service I went to on Sunday evening, WHAM, depression flooded over me like being run over by a train. I sat there arms folded, eyes welling up resolute that I was certainly NOT going to thank God for a year, the beginning of which saw me with a steady girlfriend and a Grandma, both dearly loved by many people but sadly both no longer in my life for varying reasons.

It is perhaps on that note I wish to speak…more over about Miriam. When contacted by her Vicar in October was it? And asked never to contact her again if I had any sort of respect for her…I felt my life had yet again been destroyed. Selfish to complain of course since no doubt that is how she feels. And has felt throughout the year I no doubt WRECKED for her.

The ironic thing is (and maybe this is the English student in me…recently having read 4 books since the start of the Christmas Holiday – more than I’ve read in the last 5 years!!!) that if she were to ever read this blog…there’s very little in it to convince her that I’m somehow different and could be a better friend to her. It’s too painful for me to hope we could go out again, but it is my fervent prayer that one day we’ll at least be in each others’ lives again.

I think this is something bigger than merely wanting to “fix” things. Men love to fix things don’t we? Gay or straight, camp or butch? God gave us a gene to want to build, repair and fix? And perhaps one of the hardest things I’ve had to come to terms with…are there are some situations, some screw-ups, that I just can’t fix? I don’t think I can fix this. But I do believe in my heart of hearts that God can. I’m sure many of you reading this will say: “DUH, he IS fixing things, just not in the way you want them to be fixed. Mim is getting on just fine and dandy without you, it’s only YOU who can’t let go”. Well my friends, you would be right to say that, and God’s ways are certainly not our ways…but still…I have hope. Despite there being an unwritten rule that I can’t mention the name Miriam around my closest of friends because they fear the loony bin will simply have to be called…hope is the one thing that I cannot be robbed of and even if I have to give her back to God on a DAILY basis with tears in my eyes, tears of resentment that he’s not “making her” love me, tears of regret that I allowed this to happen in the first place and tears that I’m simply to small a being to be able to “make good” this situation.

It’s ironic, because Miriam and I actually have a history and a past that goes way back before we started seeing each other. We’d been friends at Lee Abbey. It may only have been 2 very separate and singular summers, but anyone that’s been on community knows that a lifetime can be had in but an hour at that rather special place. I say it’s ironic because Miriam first took notice of me (as a friend) back in summer 2004 when her Grandma passed away and I sent her and her sister (also a community member) a sympathy card. Of all the people whom I would want in my life, who’s a similar age, who’s lost a Grandma, who’s MET my grandma!!!! Who could walk me through this grief…it’s her! And she’s not here.

She shares my dislike of hating my birthday party and finding it stressful. I wasn’t there for her 21st, but I shared with her angst as some of the stresses caught up with her prior to the event. There’s also no one else I would have trusted to have organised my 25th Birthday this year…no one who I would trust unconditionally to push me to take a leap of faith, but at the same time be 100% confident that they knew my breaking point and knew when enough was enough. Part of this trust was accrued when she was my secret “1st Officer” on a Host Team at Lee Abbey and I was stressing over arrangements that had been made while I was on holiday. When I had to dress up as Elvis on the first night. ME!!!!! Well…she leant over and afterwards said: “don’t worry, I will make sure absolutely everything is taken care of, if you’re busy, I’ll even sort out the costume for you”.

We really were a great team. To quote Mavis: “like a pair of scissors…one useless without the other half”. Obviously that simile is not entirely true for anyone who has the risen Lord dwelling in His or her heart. And I’ve accomplished more academically in the latter half of this year (all by myself – praying to the Lord) than at any other point in my life. But still…I want her back.

*sighs*…well, I probably shouldn’t post this. But I guess a tiny incy wincy bit of me hopes and prays that someday, somewhere, she’ll read this message and know that I am truly sorry. I won’t be bugging her anymore and I hope very much that we will one day be able to be friends.

So there we go, signing off from this melodramatic poor-old-me rant. But painfully honest nonetheless.