Well where to start…
This past 6 months have been very busy, unsettling, exciting, overwhelmingly sad, yet at times: immensely happy.
Still unable to communicate with Miriam which as I understand it; continues to be in keeping with her wishes I have decided once and for all to let the past rest and move on.
I have therefore begun to explore the other side to my persona and that is homosexuality. It seems most of my “mistakes” in the past have occurred at times when I thought that in order to commit to a same-sex monogamous relationship, I needed to throw away and disregard all things pertaining to Christianity. From reading my Bible and attending church/Christian gatherings right the way through to not talking to any Christian friends. I have since re-evaluated this foolish notion and have realised that "liberal" doesn't necessarily mean "evil", "diluted" or "weak" … but can simply mean “different”.
As I’m sure you will appreciate, this has not been an easy ride by far. Indeed self-harm reached its all-time peak both in severity and frequency. Fortunately, I have been held together largely by an absolutely AWESOME network of support from college. From weekly counselling sessions with the help of a college counsellor – a lady who has spoken the most sense into my life thus far, whose refusal to come down with either an overtly Christian slant, or that of a homosexual viewpoint, has, at last, freed me to explore what it is I really need in life and guiding me in this process.
I have also been assigned a mentor whom I work closely with. Due to the “low periods” and “anxiety attacks” (the latter often being a side-effect of anti-depressants) he was even able to organise a smaller venue for me to take my exams … the first being completed with only one other student present! Indeed all teachers across the board at college have been enormously supportive throughout this process.
I still miss Grandma enormously and sometimes cry myself to sleep at the rawness of the loss which is still only beginning to sink-in on a more permanent basis. Even the sight of my Granddad without her following behind is enough to reduce me to tears. As I am back home for Leicestershire for the summer, I feel her loss more acutely here as there are so many happy memories associated with this town.
Despite such a topsy-turvy few months, I was delighted to discover I had passed this year’s pre-degree course with flying colours (i.e. a Distinction with Honours). This was particularly surprising given the fact that I – along with the rest of the family I had been living with – lost our home and given 6 weeks to move. This was particularly stressful given the fact I was approaching exam season, my dissertation deadline was looming and perhaps most disturbingly; there weren't any properties available to rent.
To cut a long and very stressful story short, I was much blessed when I found – and secured – a two-bedroom flat above a (then) Christian Bookshop. Whilst there are irritating people who make noise at goodness knows WHAT hour since I’m on the main street … it is at least a sanctuary and a base with which to continue on my University education – not least since I have now procured ear plugs!
I have recently found a person who I am deeply attracted to not only for their personality, soul, compassion, sense of humour, desire to do something important with their life and make a difference, intelligence and down-to-earthness, but also because they are the most beautiful person I have ever set eyes upon. The only drawback is that we have not yet met and our acquaintance has thus far been restricted to the internet and the telephone. Whilst this is in itself not a big issues since a) we’re intending to meet within the next 10 days and b) I have had successful relationships before where a partner and I decided to start going out before we’d actually met, there is one large obstacle: even if we get along and mutually decide we might like to “give it a go”, the fact that I reside in Devon and they live between two of Europe’s greatest capitol cities – neither of which I frequent – means that they are unlikely to want to make such a commitment. I am wholeheartedly willing to enter into such a relationship as I have never felt this way about someone beforehand and would be utterly proud to have them in my life and give them such a special place in my heart. Prayers for the next 10 days would be much appreciated! Will post more when there is more to post though hopefully it will be under 6 months time!
As for me, I am generally in good spirits…I am keeping myself out of too much trouble mostly by dividing my time between the object of my attraction, trying to assimilate the mammoth reading list for the first semester and…crochet! Yes, another feather to the cap and it’s actually very therapeutic! If heterosexual males should doubt the manliness of such a pastime they should consider the fact that a HUGE stalwart of trade unions in the North of England swore by this hobby as he spent his latter working years being ferried from one speech to the next in the back of a limo! I recommend it! Bye for now!
It's so funny (and humiliating) for me to read these earlier posts, not just because I seem to mention "this is the one" in almost every message when I thought I'd found "true love", but also because my grammar and structure were horrendous. It's a miracle I passed Year 0 with such high marks lol.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting to look back on though, because I know full well who the "special guy" I was referring to was. It didn't work out, mostly my fault, and he is indeed, the most beautiful person I had (and have to this day) ever met. I write to him about once a year, hoping he'll get back in touch, even if it's just as friends.
I was very much a dick back in those days. Hopefully I've learned a lot over the past few years!